I want to be good SOO bad. I try so hard during the day to avoid everything that might make me gain. I despise food and all that it does to me yet night time comes around and I inevitably pig out on crap and stuff my face with shit that I would never consciously put into my body. This morning I ate 4 hawaiian sweet rolls (110 cals each) and 3/4 cup of raisins (350 cals) I tried to purge it up once i realized what i had done but.... the rolls had turned to cement in my stomach and wouldnt budge.

I went to the store and picked up some slimquick drink mix packets and have had 2 so far in addition to 3 laxative pills. I feel soooo disgusting though because now I have a nasty bulge in my tummy. I went to the pool with kelly and she said I'm looking good. THat translates into: I'm glad you look fat because now I don't have to worry about your eating disorders. AWESOME KEL!!! hopefully my pool party wont be too terribly embarrassing. I'm going to a party full of figure skaters. figure skater=awesome body. bring on the confidence killers!!

hopefully the laxies will work before I leave so I can lose this horrid belly bulge. UGHHH 127.2 :(

FAILURE!

I failed last night. I ate and i purged. I don't necessarily think of it as a binge but i definitely ate. I feel like such a failure now. I feel bloated and fat and ugly and I honestly just want to be empty but there's nothing I can do about it now. I've now got this ugly dilemma to face: do I take laxatives and risk looking bloated for my pool party tonight or do I just work it all off at the gym today? hmmm. one thing is for certain: I will not eat at all today. nothing. not one bite of anything at all. I still have a venti sumatra blend black coffee from starbuck's chilling in my car cup holder so I guess I'll have that this morning and nothing else.

now it's time to check out my gym's class schedule. I love taking group classes because a) I am so much thinner than most of the people in the class and b) they are so much fun that I usually forget I'm taking a class lol. I am already sore from my cardio funk fusion yesterday and I didn't even feel like I was working all that hard haha. When I get a workout and it's fun I always feel like I'm cheating. It's like, if it doesn't hurt, then I shouldn't be getting results :)

On the brighter side of life, my best friend kelly just got a membership to my gym/pool again. She cancelled her membership when she went away to school but now we can hang out there like we used to. I'm probably going to head over to the pool in just a little bit to work on my tan (:

grace and truth

today at church we wrapped up a series about relationships. We've talked about a lot of things but today was all about grace and truth. It all began when the word became man and was full of grace and truth. It's important, in the greek language especially, to note that word order and placement matter immensely. It doesn't say that jesus was full of truth and grace. in fact, nowhere in the bible does it say he is full of truth and grace. It always puts grace first. If you think about the story of the adulteress that is directly caught in the act and brought before jesus in the center of town, Jesus does not condemn her first. It is the people who try to bring out the truth and expose her in a way that is cutting and humiliating. Jesus simply grant her grace by saying that he will not condemn her. It seems that christians are very divided on the ideas of truth and grace. People can either be truthful or graceful but never both. The truth people are always upholding the law. They cling to the fact that God is truth. These are the pharisees. These are the bible thumpers. On the other hand, there a the grace people. They oftentimes are seen as the weak hippy dippy christians who see sin as a problem in the world that doesn't apply to them. They're saved by grace so they can do whatever they want. They show grace by accepting everyone's actions and never leading anyone in the RIGHT path. both of these ideas are right and both are wrong at the same time. the thing about truth is that it is designed to unveil, to bring everything out into the open. pastor gave the illustration of a department store. If you were in a department store and you wanted to try on some clothes, it would be prudent to find a changing room to hide yourself before you uncovered yourself. In the same way, grace covers us so that we can feel safe when the truth comes out. grace is the changing room that helps us to accept the healthy truth that comes to transform our sinful ways. Jesus grants the woman grace. He says he will not condemn her; but then he says go now and sin no more. he addresses the fact that she has sinned. The truth is, this woman has committed adultery and has sinned but instead of shaming her and judging her with truth, the christlike thing to do is grant grace and then address the sin. If grace comes first, then you can position yourself to be on the same side to tackle the issue of sin. we are covered with grace so that when we are stripped naked and laid bare by truth, we can feel safe to change and transform into the people we were made to be.

today today today

I think I'm in a bit of a rut. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I feel a million times better and look a trillion times better when i am fasting but lately I've slipped back into the binge/purge cycle. I have no way of knowing how much food I actually get out and it really worries me. Sometimes I'll binge, fully intending to purge it back up, and end up falling asleep. I of course purge as soon as I wake up and I usually get some of it up but I almost always feel like I gain that way. I'm going to avoid the kitchen entirely tonight. So far All I've had to eat today is NOTHING!! I drank a small cup of coffee at church today but other than that absolutely nothing. I'm a little bit worried that I might start retaining water because lately I've been letting myself get dehydrated... Idk if anyone else feels like this but honestly I hate the feeling of ANYTHING in my stomach so sometimes I avoid water too. I need to fix this. I need to water fast and just binge on water. I went to starbucks tonight and got a coffee but I haven't had it yet so I'm thinking that'll be dinner. I'm 127 today which is absolutely horrible but on the up side, I went to the gym today and took an hour of cardio funk dance class, burned about a hundred cals running, did a crap ton of abs, did the wave machine for 80 cals, and laid out for a little bit as a reward (: I hav e apool party tomorrow and I am NOT in the kind of shape I would like to be in for it and the guy I've been seriously talking to is coming home this weekend so, of course, I want to look my absolute best for him!!!

Today:

breakfast: small cup of coffee (black)

snack: nothing

lunch: nothing

snack: nothing

dinner: water & venti black coffee (sumatra blend)

just a brief disclaimer of sort

Why hello there everyone, I'm going to begin this blog by offering somewhat of a disclaimer.. I am in no way a blogger. in fact, this is my very first one. I wanted a way to exoress myself and my feelings toward my eating disorders that can speak into the lives of other people around me. That said, I know there are multitudes of eating disorder websites and I'm a member of a few of them, I just need a ay to vent and let the world know how I am doing. I feel like maybe this will help keep me accountable. any thoughts? give 'em to me. I really do want feedback. With THAT being said, I hope you all realize that I do not in any way want or expect to get "better" I am pro-ana as far as my life is concerned. I believe that it is a disorder that is deeply woven into my psyche and it really can't be caught like the common cold. I do not expect to be giving people advice on how to contract this disease and if you are a healthy individual I hope you can discern the sickness from the wellness in my writing. I hope you can see me as an example of why you should continue to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly. Stay strong, stay kind, and most of all STAY GORGEOUS!!