friends... so no one told you life was gonna be this way....

This is embarrassing. I've never had friends. seriously.. never.

coming clean with even one person feels like weakness. it's like i'm giving up a part of me. I can't put up my walls anymore. it's literally the most terrifying thing i've ever done in my entire life just being open and honest for once. i've never done that before. ever.

Do you ever feel like if you open up to someone, that's all you become to them? I do.

It's like, I know that inside my little head, i'm going nuts and obsessing and restricting and criticizing. I'm okay with thinking and overthinking, analyzing everything and keeping it all in it's pretty little head shaped packaging.. I would never dream of letting anything slip out.. but now that someone else knows, I can't talk about anything else.

I'm selfish,
narcissistic,
pathetic,
lazy,
flakey,
oh and did i say predictable?

every bad thing that you could possibly think of, that's me in a nutshell. I'm just like every other fat kid who thinks she has an eating disorder. Trust me, if you've been anywhere in the same room with these thighs, you'd know that i definitely could go without a meal or two and be juuuust fine. it's sickening really.

oh and i ramble.. boy oh boy do i ramble. I often forget that my problems are pretty much all in my head and even if they weren't, they would be of little to no consequence to anyone else.. I mean really though, if i remove myself from the situation and look at it objectively, I wouldn't want to be friends with me.

There are so many unknowns that i can't control when i choose to let someone else in. For example, I have no idea if they're going to judge me, or try to "help", I don't know if they're going to be awkward and start slowly slinking out of my life or if they're actually going to be there. the most worrying part , and it's probably the most selfish part, is that i don't know if it's just me that this person cares about or if they act like this with all their friends. ughh too many thoughts for one night.

i'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

but first here are some pretties for you. best of luck