the thought police is watching me

welp.. i'm alive... didnt kill myself... thanks hark :)
and thank you guys who actually read this shit and especially those of you who take the time to comment. peridot, you fucking rock.. seriously I've missed you and youve been there for a bunch of my darkness.. believe it or not you're comments are exactly what i need to hear. mich, you are such an amazing writer and i love the fact that you've been around for me even though i've been such a fucking flake! Longing girl, your comments help me get through and i love that you're a new friend :) and of course miss sarah, how could i forget you? You've been there for quite a long haul too! We've all made it this far without checking out early and offing ourselves!! yay!! well now that i officially feel like the cheesiest person on blogger for my shoutouts.. here's my update lol
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"There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any given moment. How often, or on what system, the Thought Police plugged in on any individual wire was guesswork. It was even conceivable that they watched everybody all the time. But at any rate they could plug in your wire whenever they wanted to. You had to live—did live, from habit that became instinct—in the assumption that every sound you made was overheard, and, except in darkness, every movement scrutinized." -George Orwell "1984"

so i'm home right.. and my mom has aparently started on this "big brother", thought police, I'm not going to let you have any privacy whatsoever kick... little does she know that I keep her in the dark in order to protect her from the nasty person her little girl has grown up to be.. so she asks me the other day if i had an upset stomach.. i said yes.. she then proceeds to question me about using laxies.. i said i had no idea what she was talking about

blatant lie. i took 7 or 8 the other night.. yeah.. i regretted it

ewwww

back on track
she gave me that snooty look of hers when she knows i'm lying.. i walked away and puked in the toilet haha.

upon going to my room i realized she had yet again raided my stuff and taken 20 dollars worth of dulcolax.. ASSFUCKSHITDAMN! now i have to buy more :( and i'm so fucking broke it's not even remotely funny. that woman is SUCH a fucking snoop and she thinks she's going to make me better. the sad part is that when she removes my vices, i become intolerable. I am a bitch to everyone and anyone who tries to stop me from doing what i want to do to myself and it's pathetic but really really true :( I continue to harm myself in order to protect the world from me.

I'm truly insufferable otherwise

on the brighter side, i think i'm losing again which keeps me on the sane-bright-sunny, everyonewantstobemyfriend side instead of the self deprecating and dark side.

I just can't figure out whay they wont let me just not eat and be happy? when i get fat, i eat, cut, abuse laxies, puke, cry, complain (incessantly) to the only people i love, and live in misery.
literally i will kill myself if i get fat.

which is pathetic especially since it has very little to do with how i ACTUALLY look and a whole WHOLE lot to do with how i think i look and how my crazies tell me i look. when it all comes down to it, it's not even about how i look at all but how i feel. I feel in control, alive, vibrant. THAT's what i need to get back to. That's how i can fake hapiness.

maybe one day i'll actually believe my lies

hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love.

stay beautiful my dolls,
B

some extra strength motivation:

I remember when i used to look like this