back on the horse

alright.. last week I was doing pretty well until I started passing out.... I passed out in the middle of a high school graduation and had to explain that to everyone... let me tell you... awkwardddd

ANYways. over the weekend I was eating a lot.. like a lot a lot and not purging it all up so long story short I"m back on the horse again. I don't even feel like I deserve to be in this community anymore but I know that everyone has these shitty times in their lives...

I love you all!!

stay gorgeous!!!

hair skin and nails.. oh my!

So.. I should hve seen it coming. I knew the day would come when I would look down in the shower drain and see more hair in the drain than on my head... I'm not skinny enough to be losing hair. Why and how can this be happening to me right now? my nails are cracked and splitting, my skin is that of a teenage boy, and my hair....

my long, beautiful, chestnut hair....... it's coming out left and right. My gums are receding and are always sore.

why do i still feel the need to cling to ana after all of this? I weigh 118. that's fucking ridiculous to weigh 118 and to be losing hair and shit. I'm freaking the fuck out!!!! aaaghhh what the hell can i do now? will my hair come back if i turn from ana? if I forsake my only friend will my teeth be spared?

the better question is can i? do i have the strength to let vile nourishment sit in my protruding stomach, all the while knowing that I will gain weigh faster than I can even blink due to the bullshit I've dragged these poor bones of mine through.

I don't even know if this post makes sense anymore. I hope it does because I'm seriously about to explode.

stay beautiful

xoxo

B

119

Posters

This is my favorite part of the song, Posters, by Jack Johnson. yes, I know it's pretty much the entire song but that's because it's a fucking incredible song.. DUH!


Looking at herself but wishing she was someone else
Because the body of the doll it don't look like hers at all

So she straps it on, she sucks it in, she throws it up, and gives a grin
Laughing at herself because she knows she ain't that at all

All caught up in the trends
Well the truth began to bend
And the next thing you know man
There just ain't no truth left at all

Cause when the pretty girl walks
She walks so proud
And when the pretty girl laughs
Oh man, she laughs so loud

And if it ain't this then its that
As a matter of fact
She hasn't had a day to relax
Since she has lost her ability to think clearly

Well I'm an energetic hypothetic version of another person
Check out my outsides there ain't nothing in here

Well I'm a superficial, systematic, music television addict
Check out my outsides there ain't nothing in

Here comes another one, just like the other one
Looking at himself but wishing he was someone else
Because the posters on the wall they don't look like a him
And so he ties it up he tucks it in, he pulls it back and gives a grin
Laughing at himself because he knows he ain't loved at all
He knows he ain't loved at all

Why the fuck can 't I let myself be happy for once? I was comfortable with my weightloss yesterday (last night I weighed in at 118.6) so what do I do? FUCKING SABOTAGE MYSELF!!!!! I ate a huge ass bowl of special k and didnt even purge it up! fuck fuck fuck fuck my life!!! ugghhh Idk what to even do now. I want to start a fast but I fear there will be some eyebrows raised in the house. i dont know how to make this better!

alright.. now that the time for me to be a whiney little bitch is over, I'm ready to do what I have to do. I have 4 days until brandon comes home which means 4 days of fasting!! liquids only! and preferably liquids w/o calories. the plan for today is coffee and slimquick packets. oh my my my i just remembered!! it's gold card time at GNC :) I can get my diet supplements finally! yay :) slimquick here i come!!

oh yeah and this morning I'm a fat 121 again.. fuck my life. no more food for brittany

xoxo
-B

alright. I have been pretty purgey today which I don't feel to terrible about because my weight is still dropping but I do hate that my entire face is just one huge breakout. I need to wuit the purging. I told brandon that i've got some pretty serious eds and either he didnt fully get what i was saying or he is super super cool about it. hopefully he's super cool about it because i definitely don't need another man trying to tell me what to do. I weighed in at 121.2 this morning but I've been blacking out a lot so i need to eat a little. the unfortunate thing is that I can't ever just eat a little. it's all or nothing with me.

i'm wicked happy about the 121.2!!!

I ate some veggie burgers with ketchup, some marshmallows, and a few pieces of bread then purges them up but i wasn't positive that I got all of the bread and burger up so I took 3 laxies. I truly hope I don't get a huge huge huge belly bulge from it but I'm not too concerned.

yesterday I did 45 minutes of kickboxing class, an hour of super intense hip hop and about fifteen minutes of step. idk how much i burned but i bet it was a lot. today I'm meeting kelly for kickboxing a little later which will be refreshing. I love her (:

my immediate goal is to fast for the rest of the day. let's see how that works

I know I can stay strong!!

alright so I feel good and horrible at the same time. I feel that all of you should know, I'm just getting out of a very unhealthy relationship that I've been trying to break free of since january... I know... it was really really hard. He keeps texting me and telling me that he misses me and he wants things to be different and all of the typical bs that he says to get me in bed. The good news is... wait for it... I"M OVER HIM!!!! :) I've moved on to an incredibly sweet guy that has been my best friend since middle school. he's perfect for me. so.. why do I feel like I still kind of miss Mr. asshole ex? my life is full of contradictions.

On a different not, I ate and purged last night but luckily I feel like I got the majority of it all up and out of my system. to prove it, I weighed in this morning... wait for it... 123.8!!! YESSS I'm getting there again! :) I'll probably post again a little later today

xoxo
-B