I came to a realization a couple of days ago when I was looking for something to do... I'm not nice.
I hate that I'm not nice.
sometimes I feel like I have to be super super nice just to offset the negative karma police that are inevitably coming to fuck my life up. like... IDK how to explain it. I'm super negative (picture alex russo from wizards of waverly place) and my language of choice is almost ALWAYS sarcasm, which is usually okay with me but lately I'm just mean. I've found myself being unbelievably nice to random people and/or doing random acts of kindness to try to make up for the bad i've done and the cruelty that's escaped my putrid mouth. After a lot of processing and chewing it over I realized this is why I suck at having girl friends.
WE'RE TOO DAMN BREAKABLE!!
I always want people to be sensitive and gentle with me but If I've got something to say, WOAH BUDDY! watch the fuck out. Chances are I'm gonna come out swingin a battle ax. I realized this with my mom yesterday. She said something that was just silly and I sompletely ripped her apart for it. I didn't mean to do that at all. seriously.. My head was screaming, "B, STOP! YOU'RE HURTING HER" but my body couldn't hear it. it was too preoccupied with the ripping and the tearing. This is why I get along with boys. I'm cute enough that they want to be nice to me and it typically doesn't matter how blunt or rude I am to them.
The only way I can think to work on this is to try eliminating some of the sarcasm. I looked up the word sarcasm and found that it comes from the greek word sarkaso. Sarkaso literally means to cut flesh.
So yeah..
cutting FLESH
when I feel like I'm ripping someone apart that's why... I fucking AM ripping them apart.
then it hits me.... right in the emptyhollowemaciated gut.
and it's all because it makes me feel better about myself.
maybe if I say something witty
make someone laugh at some weaker person's expense
maybe then I'll be good enough
The plan was working out perfectly... until I looked around and realized I was all alone.
I'm all alone, wishing I could just cut flesh...
my own...
love you all so so so much
xoxo
B
I have the same problem. I can be really witty. Most of the time, my sarcasm gets mistaken for bitchiness. It's not like I'm TRYING to be mean, but people take it the wrong way. It sucks.
ReplyDeleteWoah, damn! I'm never gonna look at sarcasm the same way again. Heh, use it as a fine-honed weapon.
ReplyDeleteGuys talk shit, they trash talk. It took me a while to work out that while guys do, girls don't and don't understand that it isn't personal.
*huggles* I understand how you feel. It's never fun to realize this kind of shit.
Sarcasm.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, mostly everyone I know uses it and yet mine seems to be the one no one understands. I get it. I understand exactly. You're mouth starts running before the gun, before you get the chance to think and then it's "Well, while I'm at it."
And I must find the guys you know who understand Sarcasm! I don't understand how the few guys I actually talk to, take me SO SERIOUSLY!!!
Good luck and stay strong sweetie!
People tell me I'm mean all the time. One friend described my personality as being similar to getting hit in the head with a sledge hammer.
ReplyDeletexXx
So what if you are mean sometimes!? And you are NOT alone. I am constantly surrounded by people and still feel alone a lot of the time. But not here. I dont know if that is sick or fucked up or whatever but i don't really care.
ReplyDeleteLove
xoxo