well I'm an idiot.
he wont love me.
she will stay in the picture.
im an idiot
a whole lot of shit later (literally)
im going to sleep
fuck
my
sad
life
i wanted to die
so badly
now i just dont give two shits
love you all
-lou
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
My love, leave yourself behind. beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, look what you can do. I am mended, i'll be with you.
so the one person who can fix me, doesn't love me.
and in the spirit of true highschool drama, i'm crying about it.
I hate to let anyone actually know how badly it hurts. I'm such a fragile person to begin with and then to make things worse, I actually let him in this time. he knows everything.
literally.
He didn't shy away from my darkness, instead he held me. He understood. When I cry and fall apart he pulls my face up to his and tells me not to be afraid. He sits with me for hours on end just talking and cuddling and laughing and fantasizing. We fantasize about different lives. I'm an international spy and he's an assassin and we roam the world together in crime and passion. If this isn't what love looks like, I'm terribly afraid that I have no idea what love is. I always thought that love was when two people know everything there is to know about each other and choose to be there in spite of all of it.
SHIT I'm dumb.
I guess I fell for it again eh? I fall in love really quickly. These are the facts. I fall and I fall hard because I truly feel for people.I truly do love people. When my infatuation with love is combined with earth shattering sex and intense passion, I fall faster than a brick in a lake. The funny and truly masochistic part of the whole ordeal is that, truth be told, I like that i fall fast and hard. If I didn't I would cease to be myself. Of all the things that i utterly despise about myself, that is the one thing that I hate the least.
Even though I bleed, at least it means I have felt.
some pretties to help you get by:
so the one person who can fix me, doesn't love me.
and in the spirit of true highschool drama, i'm crying about it.
I hate to let anyone actually know how badly it hurts. I'm such a fragile person to begin with and then to make things worse, I actually let him in this time. he knows everything.
literally.
He didn't shy away from my darkness, instead he held me. He understood. When I cry and fall apart he pulls my face up to his and tells me not to be afraid. He sits with me for hours on end just talking and cuddling and laughing and fantasizing. We fantasize about different lives. I'm an international spy and he's an assassin and we roam the world together in crime and passion. If this isn't what love looks like, I'm terribly afraid that I have no idea what love is. I always thought that love was when two people know everything there is to know about each other and choose to be there in spite of all of it.
SHIT I'm dumb.
I guess I fell for it again eh? I fall in love really quickly. These are the facts. I fall and I fall hard because I truly feel for people.I truly do love people. When my infatuation with love is combined with earth shattering sex and intense passion, I fall faster than a brick in a lake. The funny and truly masochistic part of the whole ordeal is that, truth be told, I like that i fall fast and hard. If I didn't I would cease to be myself. Of all the things that i utterly despise about myself, that is the one thing that I hate the least.
Even though I bleed, at least it means I have felt.
some pretties to help you get by:
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
friends... so no one told you life was gonna be this way....
This is embarrassing. I've never had friends. seriously.. never.
coming clean with even one person feels like weakness. it's like i'm giving up a part of me. I can't put up my walls anymore. it's literally the most terrifying thing i've ever done in my entire life just being open and honest for once. i've never done that before. ever.
Do you ever feel like if you open up to someone, that's all you become to them? I do.
It's like, I know that inside my little head, i'm going nuts and obsessing and restricting and criticizing. I'm okay with thinking and overthinking, analyzing everything and keeping it all in it's pretty little head shaped packaging.. I would never dream of letting anything slip out.. but now that someone else knows, I can't talk about anything else.
I'm selfish,
narcissistic,
pathetic,
lazy,
flakey,
oh and did i say predictable?
every bad thing that you could possibly think of, that's me in a nutshell. I'm just like every other fat kid who thinks she has an eating disorder. Trust me, if you've been anywhere in the same room with these thighs, you'd know that i definitely could go without a meal or two and be juuuust fine. it's sickening really.
oh and i ramble.. boy oh boy do i ramble. I often forget that my problems are pretty much all in my head and even if they weren't, they would be of little to no consequence to anyone else.. I mean really though, if i remove myself from the situation and look at it objectively, I wouldn't want to be friends with me.
There are so many unknowns that i can't control when i choose to let someone else in. For example, I have no idea if they're going to judge me, or try to "help", I don't know if they're going to be awkward and start slowly slinking out of my life or if they're actually going to be there. the most worrying part , and it's probably the most selfish part, is that i don't know if it's just me that this person cares about or if they act like this with all their friends. ughh too many thoughts for one night.
i'll talk to you guys tomorrow.
but first here are some pretties for you. best of luck
coming clean with even one person feels like weakness. it's like i'm giving up a part of me. I can't put up my walls anymore. it's literally the most terrifying thing i've ever done in my entire life just being open and honest for once. i've never done that before. ever.
Do you ever feel like if you open up to someone, that's all you become to them? I do.
It's like, I know that inside my little head, i'm going nuts and obsessing and restricting and criticizing. I'm okay with thinking and overthinking, analyzing everything and keeping it all in it's pretty little head shaped packaging.. I would never dream of letting anything slip out.. but now that someone else knows, I can't talk about anything else.
I'm selfish,
narcissistic,
pathetic,
lazy,
flakey,
oh and did i say predictable?
every bad thing that you could possibly think of, that's me in a nutshell. I'm just like every other fat kid who thinks she has an eating disorder. Trust me, if you've been anywhere in the same room with these thighs, you'd know that i definitely could go without a meal or two and be juuuust fine. it's sickening really.
oh and i ramble.. boy oh boy do i ramble. I often forget that my problems are pretty much all in my head and even if they weren't, they would be of little to no consequence to anyone else.. I mean really though, if i remove myself from the situation and look at it objectively, I wouldn't want to be friends with me.
There are so many unknowns that i can't control when i choose to let someone else in. For example, I have no idea if they're going to judge me, or try to "help", I don't know if they're going to be awkward and start slowly slinking out of my life or if they're actually going to be there. the most worrying part , and it's probably the most selfish part, is that i don't know if it's just me that this person cares about or if they act like this with all their friends. ughh too many thoughts for one night.
i'll talk to you guys tomorrow.
but first here are some pretties for you. best of luck
Saturday, December 3, 2011
printer!!! new thinspo pictures
This is terribly random but i just figured i'd share a bit of joy with you all today!
I got my printer to work!! yayy!
I'm someone who enjoys making collages out of all my little pretty pictures of thinspiration however, without a printer, I was sorely lacking. lo and behold, i've fixed it! :D
here's a sample of what i'm working on now
I got my printer to work!! yayy!
I'm someone who enjoys making collages out of all my little pretty pictures of thinspiration however, without a printer, I was sorely lacking. lo and behold, i've fixed it! :D
here's a sample of what i'm working on now
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Dance inspiration!!
Today started out just like any other on this thanksgiving break but then..... :)
DANCE SHOPPING!!
I found two loyalty cards to my local dance supply store and lucky for me, I needed new soft slippers. Dad and I ran over to the store and when I walked in, there was the most slim, inspirational girl working behind the counter. No clue how disordered she is, but she sure as hell helped me to not eat for the rest of the day :D I had to slip up at dinner but i threw it all back up before it made it's way anywhere on my body.
My loot from the day's dance adventure included:
one 3/4 length sleeve black leotard
one GORGEOUS black shrug with a sick black and white graphic of two pointe shoes across the shoulders
Two pink mesh bags (one big, one little)
one grey knit classic shrug
one pair of absolutely superb capezio, juliet ballet slippers (fit like a glove!!)
one precious pair of pink polka dotted foot undies
and last but certainly not least, one stunning watercolor wrap skirt that fades from a fiery red, through hues of orange, to a bright yellow at the bottom
Hell to the yes!
I just sorted through my dance shit to find more beautiful treasures to pack for school
I grabbed my legwarmers and some extra leotards as well as a couple of shrugs that have been hiding in the back of my drawer... my goal will be to look as thin natalie portman in black swan. She always wears the cutest fucking outfits! I want to do that!! lol
I really have this uncontrollable urge to cut some sick design into my hip... i may have to settle for little lines though.. my most recent cuts are scabbing over and healing so i may as well make some more
I love you all so very very much
stay beautiful
ph ps.. I dropped some lbs since tuesday.. im still a hefty 131 though.. fuck these leg muscles :(
stay beautiful, my lovelies
Miss B
DANCE SHOPPING!!
I found two loyalty cards to my local dance supply store and lucky for me, I needed new soft slippers. Dad and I ran over to the store and when I walked in, there was the most slim, inspirational girl working behind the counter. No clue how disordered she is, but she sure as hell helped me to not eat for the rest of the day :D I had to slip up at dinner but i threw it all back up before it made it's way anywhere on my body.
My loot from the day's dance adventure included:
one 3/4 length sleeve black leotard
one GORGEOUS black shrug with a sick black and white graphic of two pointe shoes across the shoulders
Two pink mesh bags (one big, one little)
one grey knit classic shrug
one pair of absolutely superb capezio, juliet ballet slippers (fit like a glove!!)
one precious pair of pink polka dotted foot undies
and last but certainly not least, one stunning watercolor wrap skirt that fades from a fiery red, through hues of orange, to a bright yellow at the bottom
Hell to the yes!
I just sorted through my dance shit to find more beautiful treasures to pack for school
I grabbed my legwarmers and some extra leotards as well as a couple of shrugs that have been hiding in the back of my drawer... my goal will be to look as thin natalie portman in black swan. She always wears the cutest fucking outfits! I want to do that!! lol
I really have this uncontrollable urge to cut some sick design into my hip... i may have to settle for little lines though.. my most recent cuts are scabbing over and healing so i may as well make some more
I love you all so very very much
stay beautiful
ph ps.. I dropped some lbs since tuesday.. im still a hefty 131 though.. fuck these leg muscles :(
stay beautiful, my lovelies
Miss B
Friday, November 25, 2011
mmmmmm supplements
OHHHH how I love black friday! I get to shop, shop, shop! and everything is inexpensive!
My favorite part of the entire day was my trip (with daddy) to GNC... now, I know it's a little odd for a bulimic to go into a vitamin store.. especially when i tend to freak out everytime something enters my stomach... however, I'm thinking that these new supplements will keep me from eating for at least a good 4 to 6 hours just for the sole purpose of not throwing up my pills....
hasnt been working for my birth control but.. that's a different story entirely
I told my man-friend that i just got back from GNC and, being that he is an exercise science major, he was curious as to what i had purchased (okay okay and since he knows about my pretty little crazies, he also wanted to make sure I didnt get anything "bad") I listed off the main ingredients in my vitapak as well as my multi V and my hair, skin, and nails formula..... in my long list I may or may not have mentioned that my vitapak contains a thermogenic (calorie burning booster pill)
He noticed.. He for SURE noticed..
sidenote: sometimes I think I slip little hints like that into certain conversations, not as a cry for help but as a plea to be heard, to be understood. No one can love me fully unless they know me fully... and being unknown is a terribly lonely and painful place to be.
meanwhile, back in my original story: I just tested my body fat percentage and I'm really not sure how accurate it is since I did it myself with calipers but it said i was around 16%...
ENTIRELY UNACCEPTABLE! DETESTABLE! SICKENING!
to combat this atrocity that is my bodyfat percentage, I must resume my restricting... I hope hope HOPE that I can keep my outsides looking decent enough to keep the world from seeing the true me... we shall see ( and by we I actually just mean III will see... I don't need bitches to be throwin daggers at me like they know whats up )
Another grand purchase of Black friday happened to be more alli pills!! I already had the starter pack back at my dorm in michigan but now I have 120 MORE lovely blue pils to abuse and misuse to me hearts content. even if I'm not really acheiving anything by taking all these pills, at least I'll feel like I'm getting lighter (even if it's only lightheadedness).
Just so all you beautiful, magical pretties know all that's going on in my journey, The precise supplements that I purchased were (and still are) GNC's beHOT vitapak, which consists of three superultramegaradical pills: beENERGIZED, beDEFINED, and beTONED (all are for body fitness) GNC's beWHOLE multivitamin, which is pretty much your typical vitamin except that it's specifically designed for a woman, and last but not least, I got GNC's beBEAUTIFUL which is a complex of vitamins and minerals to improve my hair, skin, and nails drastically.
FUCKKK YESSSSS GNC!!!!!
I will (hopefully) keep y'all updated on my progress... I really don't want to be an on again off again friend anymore. My bpd induced flakiness really gets in the way sometimes.. I loveee you all!!!!
real talk though.. I fucking do.
My favorite part of the entire day was my trip (with daddy) to GNC... now, I know it's a little odd for a bulimic to go into a vitamin store.. especially when i tend to freak out everytime something enters my stomach... however, I'm thinking that these new supplements will keep me from eating for at least a good 4 to 6 hours just for the sole purpose of not throwing up my pills....
hasnt been working for my birth control but.. that's a different story entirely
I told my man-friend that i just got back from GNC and, being that he is an exercise science major, he was curious as to what i had purchased (okay okay and since he knows about my pretty little crazies, he also wanted to make sure I didnt get anything "bad") I listed off the main ingredients in my vitapak as well as my multi V and my hair, skin, and nails formula..... in my long list I may or may not have mentioned that my vitapak contains a thermogenic (calorie burning booster pill)
He noticed.. He for SURE noticed..
sidenote: sometimes I think I slip little hints like that into certain conversations, not as a cry for help but as a plea to be heard, to be understood. No one can love me fully unless they know me fully... and being unknown is a terribly lonely and painful place to be.
meanwhile, back in my original story: I just tested my body fat percentage and I'm really not sure how accurate it is since I did it myself with calipers but it said i was around 16%...
ENTIRELY UNACCEPTABLE! DETESTABLE! SICKENING!
to combat this atrocity that is my bodyfat percentage, I must resume my restricting... I hope hope HOPE that I can keep my outsides looking decent enough to keep the world from seeing the true me... we shall see ( and by we I actually just mean III will see... I don't need bitches to be throwin daggers at me like they know whats up )
Another grand purchase of Black friday happened to be more alli pills!! I already had the starter pack back at my dorm in michigan but now I have 120 MORE lovely blue pils to abuse and misuse to me hearts content. even if I'm not really acheiving anything by taking all these pills, at least I'll feel like I'm getting lighter (even if it's only lightheadedness).
Just so all you beautiful, magical pretties know all that's going on in my journey, The precise supplements that I purchased were (and still are) GNC's beHOT vitapak, which consists of three superultramegaradical pills: beENERGIZED, beDEFINED, and beTONED (all are for body fitness) GNC's beWHOLE multivitamin, which is pretty much your typical vitamin except that it's specifically designed for a woman, and last but not least, I got GNC's beBEAUTIFUL which is a complex of vitamins and minerals to improve my hair, skin, and nails drastically.
FUCKKK YESSSSS GNC!!!!!
I will (hopefully) keep y'all updated on my progress... I really don't want to be an on again off again friend anymore. My bpd induced flakiness really gets in the way sometimes.. I loveee you all!!!!
real talk though.. I fucking do.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
sharp knife of a short life
Holy cow. just saw the most amazing thinspo and now i want to die.
literally i want to.
I started cutting again.
for some fucked up reason i had a mental breakdown. everyone was telling me i was tin and beautiful and all that bullshit. i of course believed them and let myself get to a sickening 135 pounds. fucking ridic.
for a bit of an update on my life, for those who give a fuck, I'm back in school.... not attending too regularly but they get my money every so often so im still enrolled. I'm seeing a man who has a girlfriend..... she lives all the way across the country now but he doesnt want to end things. usually i would have kicked him to the curb by now but unfortunately he's amazing... in bed, in life, in regular everyday conversation, and even when i have emotional breakdowns... i'm just so afraid that he's going to get sick of my bullshit. he knows more about me than anyone on the face of the earth and yet he is still there for me 110 percent of the time.
and yet,
i started cutting
i even went out to hobby lobby to buy myself an exacto and a shit ton of razorblades. 20 bucks down the drain but it wont make me skinny... that's what alli is for.
the box says to only take alli if you are overweight.. does this mean if i'm over my personal ideal weight? i'm taking that as a yes. the only wierd thing about it is that it makes me shit oil.....
yes. i said it.
DISGUSTING!!!
but in all reality, it's a much more horrific idea to think that all of that nasty oil was about to be digested and transformed into fluffy, yellowish failure all over my body. blech.
I miss you bitches. i need to come back. accept me again? I've been bad and i've ditched ana HARD for mia... mia is a bitch....
I love you all so much
literally i want to.
I started cutting again.
for some fucked up reason i had a mental breakdown. everyone was telling me i was tin and beautiful and all that bullshit. i of course believed them and let myself get to a sickening 135 pounds. fucking ridic.
for a bit of an update on my life, for those who give a fuck, I'm back in school.... not attending too regularly but they get my money every so often so im still enrolled. I'm seeing a man who has a girlfriend..... she lives all the way across the country now but he doesnt want to end things. usually i would have kicked him to the curb by now but unfortunately he's amazing... in bed, in life, in regular everyday conversation, and even when i have emotional breakdowns... i'm just so afraid that he's going to get sick of my bullshit. he knows more about me than anyone on the face of the earth and yet he is still there for me 110 percent of the time.
and yet,
i started cutting
i even went out to hobby lobby to buy myself an exacto and a shit ton of razorblades. 20 bucks down the drain but it wont make me skinny... that's what alli is for.
the box says to only take alli if you are overweight.. does this mean if i'm over my personal ideal weight? i'm taking that as a yes. the only wierd thing about it is that it makes me shit oil.....
yes. i said it.
DISGUSTING!!!
but in all reality, it's a much more horrific idea to think that all of that nasty oil was about to be digested and transformed into fluffy, yellowish failure all over my body. blech.
I miss you bitches. i need to come back. accept me again? I've been bad and i've ditched ana HARD for mia... mia is a bitch....
I love you all so much
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