to do:

slightly lift eyelids….. roll out of bed…. stare at mirror….. take inventory of parts… two breasts…. three bellies….. eighteen chins… squeeze eyes shut again… SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!… step on scale…. too much.. drink water…. puke up bile and acid… step on scale…. better… check mirror… she’s still looking at me… STOP STOP STOP!! … start IV drip of black coffee and splenda….. wake up.

"Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too."

- Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid (via loyal—tea)

Unrequited Shithole

My heart fucking hurts!!!



“...unrequited love does not die; it's only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before.”
― Elle Newmark, The Book of Unholy Mischief

“His hands are saying that he wants to hold her. His feet are saying that he wants to chase after her... He's probably forgotten that I'm here, beside him”
― Ai Yazawa, 1 (Tenshi Nanka Ja Nai Kanzenban)

“I had to get over [him]. For months now, a stone had been sitting on my heart. I'd shed a lot of tears over [him], lost a lot of sleep, eaten a lot of cake batter. Somehow, I had to move on. [Life] would be hell if I didn't shake loose from the grip he had on my heart. I most definitely didn't want to keep feeling this way, alone in a love affair meant for two. Even if he'd felt like The One. Even if I'd always thought we'd end up together. Even if he still had a choke chain on my heart.”
― Kristan Higgins, All I Ever Wanted


“No." Magnus strode toward him. "I didn't call you because I'm tired of you only wanting me around when you need something. I'm tired of watching you be in love with someone else-someone, incidentally, who will never love you back. Not the way I do.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass


“Unrequited love is a ridiculous state, and it makes those in it behave ridiculously.”
― Cassandra Clare


“I want him to see the flowers in my eyes and hear the songs in my hands.”
― Francesca Lia Block, Dangerous Angels: The Weetzie Bat Books


“The knowledge that she would never be loved in return acted upon her ideas as a tide acts upon cliffs.”
― Thornton Wilder, The Bridge of San Luis Rey


“I am convinced those stricken with unrequited love and endure the endless loving and hating of someone has already found their place in Dante's Inferno.”
― Shannon L. Alder

Aunt B needs more coffee so she can get skinny..

Yeah... I'm a terrible person... I need to be thin.. Fucking now!!

Dream Sequence

Here I am, fatter than ever, and I can't seem to go back to my version of normal.

I gave it a shot, I played real-girl.

It was all a sham.
Now, all I want is to go back to MY normal.

I miss Alex, I broke that.
I miss bleeding, too risky, I gave that up.
I miss my bones, I can't break this habit of eating..
I miss my Nicole, poor thing, she just listens and listens
I miss my life.

Not this fake, play-normal, dream-sequence, Stepford life, but MY life.

I
WILL
NOT
EAT!!

Mmmmmm new people, new things, new firsts

So my sisters birthday is coming up tomorrow... And we're on speaking terms again so I have to do something for her..

Oh yeah.. And she introduced me to my new guy friend... (still a bit shy about the bf word).. So I have to get her something amazing. Because... Well... He's kind of great :)
And he's also
... Wait for it...
Single!!

Im not getting my hopes up.. I'm keeping my guard wayyyy up. And I'm doing my fucking research before I get involved but hey, he said he likes crazy lol
... Yeah I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it in that particular sense.


Oh one more thing.. I've been able to more or less compartmentalize my fuckedupness so far into the darkest reaches of my brain that I now feel somewhat back to normal-me... Which is still fucked... Probably more so than self-aware-me... But at least the voices are muffled
Still pretty scarred up... In a bunch of ways... But hey,
Paul likes crazy haha

Well wish me luck :) <3

after the storm

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
...
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
...
I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
...
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
...

-Mumford and Sons

Oh mundane existence.
I'm re-reading Wintergirls and Wasted
BRILLIANT!

I'm getting skinny again... kind of...

not nearly enough though

hopefully at this rate, I'll have a heart attack..

"As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet"