that's all there is to it.
I can't go through with it.
I cut and cut and cut but I'm too much of a pussy to actually cut deep enough to end my life.
I sit on my bed and bleed.
My niece walks into my brain and starts giggling and smiling. She's just beaming! She has no idea what her auntie wants to do to herself. She wouldnt even remember me if I was gone. She would hear stories about how much I loved her.
Who am I kidding? She would hear whispers at the very most. People wont talk about me when I'm gone. I will be the poor, misguided angel who lived so long in a dream world that she forgot how to cope with real life. I will be bones.
Finally skin and bones!
And then just bones.
size: ZERO, double bloody ZERO
I'm too fucked in the head to practice the sport that I love with my team.
my team? nahh.. not my team. it never was my team. I was just a small piece of it... barely even that.
I was the flint that wanted to burn. I wanted to catch fire and set the world ablaze
but all I could do was shoot out sparks... and then I was useless.
I can't even get out of my own way long enough to go to school. I want someone to love me but I honestly can't even love myself. I will never let myself be happy.
I used to think the problem was that I wouldn't let people get close to me but now i realize that I was wrong all along. I've let people in. I've let them in long enough to see my ugly. They've seen it.
the scratchy
pointy,
pokey creature
with the itchy wings... and the silky tongue that lives inside me and squirms until I choke it down, throw it up, spit it out, shit it out, and start over again.
I want to cut myself open, pull it out, shake it up and demand answers for all the things it has made me do. slice a zipper right down to my bellybutton and look that little bastard right in droopy, dripping, black eyes.
but alas. I can never cut deep enough. My hand is too soft, my stomach too weak.
but someday.....
Please seek out help, darling. I think this is too deep and dark for you to get out on your own. I've been there, and there was no way I'd be where I am if I hadn't gotten help. See a therapist or talk to your doctor. You need someone to talk to. They won't be able to stop you from cutting, but they might be able to help you understand why you cut and where this comes from, which will hopefully inspire you to make some changes in your life. I hope things get better for you, I really do.
ReplyDeletePlease take care.
xx
Oh she will remember you, I promise. They thought I was too young at 2, 2.5, 3 years to remember Grandad. They thought I was too young to understand death. At 2 I remember him in his final months of health. At 2.5 I remember him in the hospital, on his deathbed at home. At 3 I remember them telling me that I didn't understand and so couldn't go to his funeral. At 3 I understood that dead meant he was gone from his body and never coming back, but I didn't have the words to explain that I understood so they never let me go.
ReplyDeleteI tell you that to let you know that she WILL remember you as the beautiful, wonderful, funny, glorious Aunt who played with her and had time for her and listened to her when everyone else said 'later' 'not now' 'go play somewhere else'. You were there for her when everyone else was too busy and you should still BE there for her later on.
Please don't slice yourself up. Go to the professionals, any, all, the ones you trust and who you think can help or point you to the people who can help. Don't wait, don't let that little evil-eyes bastard get away with controlling the puppet strings to your hands for one second longer. The best way to get that little fucker out from inside you to ask WHYWHYYOUCUNTWHY? is with the mental medicine of maybe drugs and therapy. It can only help if you want it to, if you're so sick of being like this you're willing to let them in to help you get rid of it. It doesn't have a physical, material presence no matter how it feels like it does. It is the demons of the mind being given a form you can more immediately deal with by cutting and starving and puking and shitting. Get the special forces in to get them out of your head and you can get them out of your flesh too.
Please don't die. You're too wonderful to live your life as a short pain-filled one enslaved to the assholes taking over your brain. Please fight them, you are NOT as scratchy and prickly as you think. Fight the liars that tell you so. Love you so so so much.
<3