So I'm on an airplane and took oh idk 5 laxies... I'm obsessing again and I'm not even home yet!! I want the perfect body and I want to be wanted! Is that too much to ask?
I don't want to be second best anymore. It blows more chunks than... Me..
Which is a whole damn lot.
He talks to me but wants her. My semi-sane mind says that as soon as I'm back at school, everything will work out. He will be all mine and she will be out of the picture.. My cynical mind says that I will be in the exact same shittyassfuckedup position that I've been in since August.
He promised when we talked, after my failed attempt at death, that he wouldn't have sex with her. He said he would only promise that if I would promise not to hurt myself..
..They had sex.
He swears he was just going along with it. He swears he never initiated any of it.. The shitty part is that I was aching to cut myself. I was yearning to expose my flesh, look at my insides.. But I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself do it because I knew the desire to hurt myself, although it was so painfully strong, was not nearly as strong as my longing...
...to be loved..
Pathetic right?
I know.. I'm disgusting.
I'll go back to being a sex toy and she'll get her head stuffed back under the wool. We'll both go back to being idiots in love with a man who hasn't a clue what he wants.. Who hasn't got even an inkling of self control in any bone in his body.. Especially not in THAT one.
It's a lot easier to believe that he doesn't know what he wants or even what he's doing. It's much more difficult.. Actually downright terrifying to propose that perhaps he's fully aware of what he wants and fully in control of the entire situation.
That idea chills me to my bones
Which is incredible because my bones are currently all buried deep deep under a sickening layer of lard..
This is what I need to be
OMG.
ReplyDeleteFUCKING.
USELESS.
BLOODY.
MALES.
That man is a colossal asshat. End of story. You both could do so much better than him!
You know what you want. It isn't pathetic. You need to find someone worthy of you, someone who won't risk losing you because of some stupid momentary lust. Good guys do exist, but they are like the rubies in a mountain of rocks. It takes a bit of hunting to find them :/
I'm totally hearing you on the laxies/panic/lardlayer business. Aunt Flow turned up to amplify my lard with bloat, so I'm having a right old freakout!
Love you, and take care of yourself. Don't be afraid to stand up for your wants and needs. You have just as much right to them as any testosterone-filled piece of shit.
xoxoxoxo
:/ And I have finally found a blog that say's I'm not the only girl out there being tossed around in a hat and used.
ReplyDeleteMen should die. I think. Hugs. I hope it get's better for you though I guess the damage has already been done. If he's still going to fuck around with some other girl I would say you could do better and to leave his swanky ass in the dirt, but that would be hypocritical of me.
Hug's. Maybe in the end you'll win, he'll grow up and forget her and realize what a prize gem he has with you.... or at least that's what I keep telling myself. Of course lucky for the rest of the girls in the world I'm the only one he messes around with on a constant basis, and lucky for me, except really not because he still messes about with other bitches often any how. :/ Oh well.
As for being used doesn't help with any thing with self esteem issues etc.
Like why the fuck can't we be the one and only. It always feel's like your never good enough, like gotta be perfect and thin to get the attention. I 100% understand.
HAPPY NEW YEAR LOVELY!
ReplyDelete