more on the continuation of my saga de drama: it's decided. I like her.
my therapist, that is.
today was my first session and we both agreed that I didn't really, wholeheartedly want to be there. oh my goodness. we were on the same page.
side note: I'm with my nieces in the pediatrician waiting room and the strangest woman just walked by. I think she did her hair with egg bearers. shes got children's teal keds on with neon raindow knee socks, a plaid mini skirt, and a children's neon green and teal tie die t-shirt (she cut the neck out of course) from elbow to wrist, the woman had an assortment of leather and brightly colored bracelets, and to top it all off, dangling from her ears were two snake earrings. this would not have bothered me, if her kids hadn't been screeching like bloody hell the entire time.
wow. you can't make up shit like that.
anyways. I'm gonna see how this therapy thing goes and maybe i'll get some insight into the inner workings of my brain.
on an exciting note, a missionary couple that I'm really close to is finally going to get to move to China. yay! they leave at the beginning of next month and once they get settled in they want me to stay with them for a few months! Omg my dream is missions! this is surreal!! wow
stay beautiful, stay strong, and know that you're loved
Xoxo
B
Monday, July 26, 2010
therapy
more on the continuation of my saga de drama: it's decided. I like her.
my therapist, that is.
today was my first session and we both agreed that I didn't really, wholeheartedly want to be there. oh my goodness. we were on the same page.
side note: I'm with my nieces in the pediatrician waiting room and the strangest woman just walked by. I think she did her hair with egg bearers. shes got children's teal keds on with neon raindow knee socks, a plaid mini skirt, and a children's neon green and teal tie die t-shirt (she cut the neck out of course) from elbow to wrist, the woman had an assortment of leather and brightly colored bracelets, and to top it all off, dangling from her ears were two snake earrings. this would not have bothered me, if her kids hadn't been screeching like bloody hell the entire time.
wow. you can't make up shit like that.
anyways. I'm gonna see how this therapy thing goes and maybe i'll get some insight into the inner workings of my brain.
on an exciting note, a missionary couple that I'm really close to is finally going to get to move to China. yay! they leave at the beginning of next month and once they get settled in they want me to stay with them for a few months! Omg my dream is missions! this is surreal!! wow
stay beautiful, stay strong, and know that you're loved
Xoxo
B
my therapist, that is.
today was my first session and we both agreed that I didn't really, wholeheartedly want to be there. oh my goodness. we were on the same page.
side note: I'm with my nieces in the pediatrician waiting room and the strangest woman just walked by. I think she did her hair with egg bearers. shes got children's teal keds on with neon raindow knee socks, a plaid mini skirt, and a children's neon green and teal tie die t-shirt (she cut the neck out of course) from elbow to wrist, the woman had an assortment of leather and brightly colored bracelets, and to top it all off, dangling from her ears were two snake earrings. this would not have bothered me, if her kids hadn't been screeching like bloody hell the entire time.
wow. you can't make up shit like that.
anyways. I'm gonna see how this therapy thing goes and maybe i'll get some insight into the inner workings of my brain.
on an exciting note, a missionary couple that I'm really close to is finally going to get to move to China. yay! they leave at the beginning of next month and once they get settled in they want me to stay with them for a few months! Omg my dream is missions! this is surreal!! wow
stay beautiful, stay strong, and know that you're loved
Xoxo
B
Thursday, July 22, 2010
foodvillain
firstly, thank all of you for the support and love :) I seriously wouldn't be here without you.
secondly, here's an update on my life... and all its atrociously complicated mishaps.
I've been better about keeping the binges in check lately. woot. then yesterday, out of the blue, I notice that a carrot cake has snuck into the bottom of my cart. Im glad I didn't witness the stealthy fucker in action because.. well... I'm sure it would haunt my dreams. instead however, I disposed of the evidence. fuck me. one bite.. mmmmmmm two, three, four nomnomnom, eleven, twenty three, munchmunch, thirty one, cramstuffgorge.. oh shit........ waddle waddle waddle.... pukespewvomit.
Damn you sneaky baked goods.
never again.. NEVER.
I've found that I dehydrate myself because, subconsciously of course, I'm terrified that some of that calorie free beverage will get confused, make a wrong turn, and stay permanently lodged on my body. greasy, waxy, yellow, fat.
I'm a bit of a head case.
love you so much
Xoxo
B
secondly, here's an update on my life... and all its atrociously complicated mishaps.
I've been better about keeping the binges in check lately. woot. then yesterday, out of the blue, I notice that a carrot cake has snuck into the bottom of my cart. Im glad I didn't witness the stealthy fucker in action because.. well... I'm sure it would haunt my dreams. instead however, I disposed of the evidence. fuck me. one bite.. mmmmmmm two, three, four nomnomnom, eleven, twenty three, munchmunch, thirty one, cramstuffgorge.. oh shit........ waddle waddle waddle.... pukespewvomit.
Damn you sneaky baked goods.
never again.. NEVER.
I've found that I dehydrate myself because, subconsciously of course, I'm terrified that some of that calorie free beverage will get confused, make a wrong turn, and stay permanently lodged on my body. greasy, waxy, yellow, fat.
I'm a bit of a head case.
love you so much
Xoxo
B
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
i'm reaching a peace.... of sorts
okay... I'm getting skinny. I like it a lot. I'm about 118 with all my clothes on which is fantastic but not good enough.
on the therapy front, I researched therapists that I might actually have somewhat of a respect for and I came up with one. just one. so i made an appointment....
it's next monday... I've got a week to freakthefuck out and diginmyheels which is preposterous because I made the appointment for MYSELF. idk. here's her website if you want to check it out and shoot me some opinions
I'm reading wintergirls right now and it's phenomenal. I can already tell that I'm going to have to read it a couple times before it all has a chance to sink in.
In my spare time I've taken up swimming. it's a drug. I have an addictive personality... needless to say, i'm addicted. It all started when I told my father I wanted to run a marathon. being the caring father that he is, he told me that I couldn't look like a concentration camper and survive 26.2 miles.. so we compromised.
and so begins the training for my triathlon.
mind you, I've never swam laps in my life (successfully, that is) years of figure skating has given me terrible knee joints, and the majority of my cycling experience has been indoors.
so what if this isn't destined to be the most successful experience of my life? at least it'll be entertaining as fuck!
moving on to my regrettable absence as of late. I truly am sorry. sometimes I feel like I have to disconnect myself from the blogs for a few days. i need time to remember which voice is my own and which one is just the rambling regurgitation of all that i've read. There are so many beautiful minds on these blogs... and I've missed you. (see what I did just there, my pretties) yeah I mean you. You're a gorgeous brain, a stunningly breathtaking mind and i love you.
hope to write soon with some more updates
xoxo
B
on the therapy front, I researched therapists that I might actually have somewhat of a respect for and I came up with one. just one. so i made an appointment....
it's next monday... I've got a week to freakthefuck out and diginmyheels which is preposterous because I made the appointment for MYSELF. idk. here's her website if you want to check it out and shoot me some opinions
I'm reading wintergirls right now and it's phenomenal. I can already tell that I'm going to have to read it a couple times before it all has a chance to sink in.
In my spare time I've taken up swimming. it's a drug. I have an addictive personality... needless to say, i'm addicted. It all started when I told my father I wanted to run a marathon. being the caring father that he is, he told me that I couldn't look like a concentration camper and survive 26.2 miles.. so we compromised.
and so begins the training for my triathlon.
mind you, I've never swam laps in my life (successfully, that is) years of figure skating has given me terrible knee joints, and the majority of my cycling experience has been indoors.
so what if this isn't destined to be the most successful experience of my life? at least it'll be entertaining as fuck!
moving on to my regrettable absence as of late. I truly am sorry. sometimes I feel like I have to disconnect myself from the blogs for a few days. i need time to remember which voice is my own and which one is just the rambling regurgitation of all that i've read. There are so many beautiful minds on these blogs... and I've missed you. (see what I did just there, my pretties) yeah I mean you. You're a gorgeous brain, a stunningly breathtaking mind and i love you.
hope to write soon with some more updates
xoxo
B
Thursday, July 8, 2010
HOLY CRAP!!!!
HOLY CRAP CRAP CRAP!
my mother had another conversation with me yesterday... I feel horrible because I'm breaking her heart by dong this to myself.
it went something like this, "b, there is no possible way that you could eat us out of house and home and look like that. You're scaring me honey." to that I apologized and explained that I don't enjoy hating myself. then came the big one "how would you feel if every day I ripped a piece of flesh off of someone you love (she's talking about my niece that I take care of every day), put it in your bed, and made you sleep with it, all the while you are desperately trying to save her. You would know that eventually i would win, eventually I would kill her but you would just keep on fighting to save her"
ouch.
she said that she didn't know how to help me.
I told her that I don't know how to help myself. I'd tell her if I did
so these are my options: get a therapist who specializes in EDs (particularly bulimia) or go into residential..... hmm lets see I think I'll pick the first one. honestly I've had a pretty darn peachy life so I don't know why I do what I do. I can't help it... I didn't choose it... but I don't know what started it.
love you all
xoxo
B
ps.. my posts may become less frequent.. i'll try to keep them up though
HOLY CRAP CRAP CRAP!
my mother had another conversation with me yesterday... I feel horrible because I'm breaking her heart by dong this to myself.
it went something like this, "b, there is no possible way that you could eat us out of house and home and look like that. You're scaring me honey." to that I apologized and explained that I don't enjoy hating myself. then came the big one "how would you feel if every day I ripped a piece of flesh off of someone you love (she's talking about my niece that I take care of every day), put it in your bed, and made you sleep with it, all the while you are desperately trying to save her. You would know that eventually i would win, eventually I would kill her but you would just keep on fighting to save her"
ouch.
she said that she didn't know how to help me.
I told her that I don't know how to help myself. I'd tell her if I did
so these are my options: get a therapist who specializes in EDs (particularly bulimia) or go into residential..... hmm lets see I think I'll pick the first one. honestly I've had a pretty darn peachy life so I don't know why I do what I do. I can't help it... I didn't choose it... but I don't know what started it.
love you all
xoxo
B
ps.. my posts may become less frequent.. i'll try to keep them up though
Monday, July 5, 2010
mean people suck... and... well... I am one.. DAMN!
I came to a realization a couple of days ago when I was looking for something to do... I'm not nice.
I hate that I'm not nice.
sometimes I feel like I have to be super super nice just to offset the negative karma police that are inevitably coming to fuck my life up. like... IDK how to explain it. I'm super negative (picture alex russo from wizards of waverly place) and my language of choice is almost ALWAYS sarcasm, which is usually okay with me but lately I'm just mean. I've found myself being unbelievably nice to random people and/or doing random acts of kindness to try to make up for the bad i've done and the cruelty that's escaped my putrid mouth. After a lot of processing and chewing it over I realized this is why I suck at having girl friends.
WE'RE TOO DAMN BREAKABLE!!
I always want people to be sensitive and gentle with me but If I've got something to say, WOAH BUDDY! watch the fuck out. Chances are I'm gonna come out swingin a battle ax. I realized this with my mom yesterday. She said something that was just silly and I sompletely ripped her apart for it. I didn't mean to do that at all. seriously.. My head was screaming, "B, STOP! YOU'RE HURTING HER" but my body couldn't hear it. it was too preoccupied with the ripping and the tearing. This is why I get along with boys. I'm cute enough that they want to be nice to me and it typically doesn't matter how blunt or rude I am to them.
The only way I can think to work on this is to try eliminating some of the sarcasm. I looked up the word sarcasm and found that it comes from the greek word sarkaso. Sarkaso literally means to cut flesh.
So yeah..
cutting FLESH
when I feel like I'm ripping someone apart that's why... I fucking AM ripping them apart.
then it hits me.... right in the emptyhollowemaciated gut.
and it's all because it makes me feel better about myself.
maybe if I say something witty
make someone laugh at some weaker person's expense
maybe then I'll be good enough
The plan was working out perfectly... until I looked around and realized I was all alone.
I'm all alone, wishing I could just cut flesh...
my own...
love you all so so so much
xoxo
B
I hate that I'm not nice.
sometimes I feel like I have to be super super nice just to offset the negative karma police that are inevitably coming to fuck my life up. like... IDK how to explain it. I'm super negative (picture alex russo from wizards of waverly place) and my language of choice is almost ALWAYS sarcasm, which is usually okay with me but lately I'm just mean. I've found myself being unbelievably nice to random people and/or doing random acts of kindness to try to make up for the bad i've done and the cruelty that's escaped my putrid mouth. After a lot of processing and chewing it over I realized this is why I suck at having girl friends.
WE'RE TOO DAMN BREAKABLE!!
I always want people to be sensitive and gentle with me but If I've got something to say, WOAH BUDDY! watch the fuck out. Chances are I'm gonna come out swingin a battle ax. I realized this with my mom yesterday. She said something that was just silly and I sompletely ripped her apart for it. I didn't mean to do that at all. seriously.. My head was screaming, "B, STOP! YOU'RE HURTING HER" but my body couldn't hear it. it was too preoccupied with the ripping and the tearing. This is why I get along with boys. I'm cute enough that they want to be nice to me and it typically doesn't matter how blunt or rude I am to them.
The only way I can think to work on this is to try eliminating some of the sarcasm. I looked up the word sarcasm and found that it comes from the greek word sarkaso. Sarkaso literally means to cut flesh.
So yeah..
cutting FLESH
when I feel like I'm ripping someone apart that's why... I fucking AM ripping them apart.
then it hits me.... right in the emptyhollowemaciated gut.
and it's all because it makes me feel better about myself.
maybe if I say something witty
make someone laugh at some weaker person's expense
maybe then I'll be good enough
The plan was working out perfectly... until I looked around and realized I was all alone.
I'm all alone, wishing I could just cut flesh...
my own...
love you all so so so much
xoxo
B
Saturday, July 3, 2010
finally back to decent
why hello there my pretties,
The story of the hour is this: MISS B IS FINALLY BACK DOWN TO 120.4!
yes, ladies and gents, that's right. no more self sabotaging simply because I've got nothing to lose. I'm back within my ideal range which means now I actually am back on track. OH HAPPY FUCKING DAY!
I know this..
in approximately three days time I will be down to 118 and I'll be laughing at this post. "120.4?" i'll say with a smirk. "oh what a tubby lardass i was," but who gives a damn? I'll be thinner, closer to thin, and closer to beautiful which ultimately means closer to perfect.
I will never BE perfect... only closer and closer.
I do think I"M going to the bookstore today to pick up a copy of wintergirls. everyone has been so ecstatic about it that i simply must check this one out for myself.
love you all
xoxo
B
ps. My mom got me two packages of silly bands... I'm almost twenty years old. It is beyond me why I get so overjoyed by little rubber bands. but anyways She got me a pack of princess ones and a pack of zoo animals.
needless to say... I'm addicted
Cheers
The story of the hour is this: MISS B IS FINALLY BACK DOWN TO 120.4!
yes, ladies and gents, that's right. no more self sabotaging simply because I've got nothing to lose. I'm back within my ideal range which means now I actually am back on track. OH HAPPY FUCKING DAY!
I know this..
in approximately three days time I will be down to 118 and I'll be laughing at this post. "120.4?" i'll say with a smirk. "oh what a tubby lardass i was," but who gives a damn? I'll be thinner, closer to thin, and closer to beautiful which ultimately means closer to perfect.
I will never BE perfect... only closer and closer.
I do think I"M going to the bookstore today to pick up a copy of wintergirls. everyone has been so ecstatic about it that i simply must check this one out for myself.
love you all
xoxo
B
ps. My mom got me two packages of silly bands... I'm almost twenty years old. It is beyond me why I get so overjoyed by little rubber bands. but anyways She got me a pack of princess ones and a pack of zoo animals.
needless to say... I'm addicted
Cheers
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