fuck..

I'm dating a thirty two year old.. how in the god forsaken fuck did that happen? Uggghh.

on a somewhat brighter note..

(brighter in the sickmixedupcrazy.. not to mention all together assbackwards kind of way)

I've been puking.. a lot... not like I was before my awesome psych... unfortunately.

you see, the sad thing is that before and during my trips to Amy (the super wonderful really sweet psych), I was throwing up everything I put in my mouth.. plus bile.. so I essentially balanced at less calories than I started with. crazyperson logic here. bare with me....
now I'm not throwing up as much as I'm taking in which means doughy, notsolittle B.. fuck.

in the actual, normalpeople, brighter side. my new man is incredibly loving. incredibly. he is rough like I like him to be but gentle like I need him to be. the main negative is that he's older than me.. by twelve years. that's a lot of years.. A LOT a lot.

I'll be in touch.. in some pain seeking way, its good to be back.

therapy

more on the continuation of my saga de drama: it's decided. I like her.

my therapist, that is.

today was my first session and we both agreed that I didn't really, wholeheartedly want to be there. oh my goodness. we were on the same page.

side note: I'm with my nieces in the pediatrician waiting room and the strangest woman just walked by. I think she did her hair with egg bearers. shes got children's teal keds on with neon raindow knee socks, a plaid mini skirt, and a children's neon green and teal tie die t-shirt (she cut the neck out of course) from elbow to wrist, the woman had an assortment of leather and brightly colored bracelets, and to top it all off, dangling from her ears were two snake earrings. this would not have bothered me, if her kids hadn't been screeching like bloody hell the entire time.

wow. you can't make up shit like that.

anyways. I'm gonna see how this therapy thing goes and maybe i'll get some insight into the inner workings of my brain.

on an exciting note, a missionary couple that I'm really close to is finally going to get to move to China. yay! they leave at the beginning of next month and once they get settled in they want me to stay with them for a few months! Omg my dream is missions! this is surreal!! wow

stay beautiful, stay strong, and know that you're loved

Xoxo
B

therapy

more on the continuation of my saga de drama: it's decided. I like her.

my therapist, that is.

today was my first session and we both agreed that I didn't really, wholeheartedly want to be there. oh my goodness. we were on the same page.

side note: I'm with my nieces in the pediatrician waiting room and the strangest woman just walked by. I think she did her hair with egg bearers. shes got children's teal keds on with neon raindow knee socks, a plaid mini skirt, and a children's neon green and teal tie die t-shirt (she cut the neck out of course) from elbow to wrist, the woman had an assortment of leather and brightly colored bracelets, and to top it all off, dangling from her ears were two snake earrings. this would not have bothered me, if her kids hadn't been screeching like bloody hell the entire time.

wow. you can't make up shit like that.

anyways. I'm gonna see how this therapy thing goes and maybe i'll get some insight into the inner workings of my brain.

on an exciting note, a missionary couple that I'm really close to is finally going to get to move to China. yay! they leave at the beginning of next month and once they get settled in they want me to stay with them for a few months! Omg my dream is missions! this is surreal!! wow

stay beautiful, stay strong, and know that you're loved

Xoxo
B

foodvillain

firstly, thank all of you for the support and love :) I seriously wouldn't be here without you.

secondly, here's an update on my life... and all its atrociously complicated mishaps.

I've been better about keeping the binges in check lately. woot. then yesterday, out of the blue, I notice that a carrot cake has snuck into the bottom of my cart. Im glad I didn't witness the stealthy fucker in action because.. well... I'm sure it would haunt my dreams. instead however, I disposed of the evidence. fuck me. one bite.. mmmmmmm two, three, four nomnomnom, eleven, twenty three, munchmunch, thirty one, cramstuffgorge.. oh shit........ waddle waddle waddle.... pukespewvomit.

Damn you sneaky baked goods.

never again.. NEVER.

I've found that I dehydrate myself because, subconsciously of course, I'm terrified that some of that calorie free beverage will get confused, make a wrong turn, and stay permanently lodged on my body. greasy, waxy, yellow, fat.

I'm a bit of a head case.

love you so much
Xoxo
B

i'm reaching a peace.... of sorts

okay... I'm getting skinny. I like it a lot. I'm about 118 with all my clothes on which is fantastic but not good enough.

on the therapy front, I researched therapists that I might actually have somewhat of a respect for and I came up with one. just one. so i made an appointment....

it's next monday... I've got a week to freakthefuck out and diginmyheels which is preposterous because I made the appointment for MYSELF. idk. here's her website if you want to check it out and shoot me some opinions

I'm reading wintergirls right now and it's phenomenal. I can already tell that I'm going to have to read it a couple times before it all has a chance to sink in.

In my spare time I've taken up swimming. it's a drug. I have an addictive personality... needless to say, i'm addicted. It all started when I told my father I wanted to run a marathon. being the caring father that he is, he told me that I couldn't look like a concentration camper and survive 26.2 miles.. so we compromised.
and so begins the training for my triathlon.
mind you, I've never swam laps in my life (successfully, that is) years of figure skating has given me terrible knee joints, and the majority of my cycling experience has been indoors.
so what if this isn't destined to be the most successful experience of my life? at least it'll be entertaining as fuck!

moving on to my regrettable absence as of late. I truly am sorry. sometimes I feel like I have to disconnect myself from the blogs for a few days. i need time to remember which voice is my own and which one is just the rambling regurgitation of all that i've read. There are so many beautiful minds on these blogs... and I've missed you. (see what I did just there, my pretties) yeah I mean you. You're a gorgeous brain, a stunningly breathtaking mind and i love you.

hope to write soon with some more updates

xoxo
B

HOLY CRAP!!!!


HOLY CRAP CRAP CRAP!

my mother had another conversation with me yesterday... I feel horrible because I'm breaking her heart by dong this to myself.
it went something like this, "b, there is no possible way that you could eat us out of house and home and look like that. You're scaring me honey." to that I apologized and explained that I don't enjoy hating myself. then came the big one "how would you feel if every day I ripped a piece of flesh off of someone you love (she's talking about my niece that I take care of every day), put it in your bed, and made you sleep with it, all the while you are desperately trying to save her. You would know that eventually i would win, eventually I would kill her but you would just keep on fighting to save her"

ouch.

she said that she didn't know how to help me.

I told her that I don't know how to help myself. I'd tell her if I did

so these are my options: get a therapist who specializes in EDs (particularly bulimia) or go into residential..... hmm lets see I think I'll pick the first one. honestly I've had a pretty darn peachy life so I don't know why I do what I do. I can't help it... I didn't choose it... but I don't know what started it.

love you all

xoxo
B

ps.. my posts may become less frequent.. i'll try to keep them up though

mean people suck... and... well... I am one.. DAMN!

I came to a realization a couple of days ago when I was looking for something to do... I'm not nice.

I hate that I'm not nice.

sometimes I feel like I have to be super super nice just to offset the negative karma police that are inevitably coming to fuck my life up. like... IDK how to explain it. I'm super negative (picture alex russo from wizards of waverly place) and my language of choice is almost ALWAYS sarcasm, which is usually okay with me but lately I'm just mean. I've found myself being unbelievably nice to random people and/or doing random acts of kindness to try to make up for the bad i've done and the cruelty that's escaped my putrid mouth. After a lot of processing and chewing it over I realized this is why I suck at having girl friends.

WE'RE TOO DAMN BREAKABLE!!

I always want people to be sensitive and gentle with me but If I've got something to say, WOAH BUDDY! watch the fuck out. Chances are I'm gonna come out swingin a battle ax. I realized this with my mom yesterday. She said something that was just silly and I sompletely ripped her apart for it. I didn't mean to do that at all. seriously.. My head was screaming, "B, STOP! YOU'RE HURTING HER" but my body couldn't hear it. it was too preoccupied with the ripping and the tearing. This is why I get along with boys. I'm cute enough that they want to be nice to me and it typically doesn't matter how blunt or rude I am to them.

The only way I can think to work on this is to try eliminating some of the sarcasm. I looked up the word sarcasm and found that it comes from the greek word sarkaso. Sarkaso literally means to cut flesh.
So yeah..
cutting FLESH
when I feel like I'm ripping someone apart that's why... I fucking AM ripping them apart.




then it hits me.... right in the emptyhollowemaciated gut.




and it's all because it makes me feel better about myself.


maybe if I say something witty


make someone laugh at some weaker person's expense


maybe then I'll be good enough




The plan was working out perfectly... until I looked around and realized I was all alone.

I'm all alone, wishing I could just cut flesh...

my own...




love you all so so so much

xoxo
B

finally back to decent

why hello there my pretties,

The story of the hour is this: MISS B IS FINALLY BACK DOWN TO 120.4!

yes, ladies and gents, that's right. no more self sabotaging simply because I've got nothing to lose. I'm back within my ideal range which means now I actually am back on track. OH HAPPY FUCKING DAY!

I know this..

in approximately three days time I will be down to 118 and I'll be laughing at this post. "120.4?" i'll say with a smirk. "oh what a tubby lardass i was," but who gives a damn? I'll be thinner, closer to thin, and closer to beautiful which ultimately means closer to perfect.

I will never BE perfect... only closer and closer.

I do think I"M going to the bookstore today to pick up a copy of wintergirls. everyone has been so ecstatic about it that i simply must check this one out for myself.

love you all

xoxo
B

ps. My mom got me two packages of silly bands... I'm almost twenty years old. It is beyond me why I get so overjoyed by little rubber bands. but anyways She got me a pack of princess ones and a pack of zoo animals.

needless to say... I'm addicted

Cheers

catharsis

Yesterday I had a break down.

I'm talking alloutknockdowndragout break down.

I completely understand where I was coming from but still.. I hate being visibly vulnerable. right now everyone is depending on me. They're depending on me to be good, to work 55 hours a week, to take care of things around the house, and then, on top of all of that, they expect me to eat like a "normal" person. no wonder I'm getting huge again. I've got no chance. I was already feeling worthless when my mom asked me the dreaded question... "B, do you know where the cookie dough is?" I wanted so badly to say nope. not a clue. but.... that would be so incredibly far from the horribly ugly truth, I couldn't stand it. "yep. I ate it." I said without flinching. then she started talking about how i eat too much... she's disappointed because I eat too much! I went from eating absolutely nothing to eating too much!! WHAT THE FUCK!!

little does she know..

I can easily remedy that.

so... long story short, I'm doing just that.. I'm fixing the problem.

When I'm trying soo hard to eat like a normal person (for them of course), I get so uncontrollably depressed and grumpy. I always fight with my family. When I'm looking like a holocaust survivor, I'm happy as a clam. Which leads me to the realization, If my family isn't happy with me trying to recover for them and they arent happy with me fasting, then I choose fasting. At least when I fast, I'M happy. that's pretty much all I can do at this point.

I gotta go. the baby's up

stay beautiful!

xoxo
B

Edit: I started acai 14 day cleanse yesterday. I felt like absolute shit... nauseous... headache... but then i started absolutely shitting. SUCCESS!! took it again this morning and I can't wait to see how it works. *kisses*

I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while. My parents have been noticing my habits getting worse lately so i've had to try to eat like a normal person. The unfortunate part of all of this is that I've gained SOOO much. I am so horrifically ashamed of my body now. for a while a was pretty comfortable with it, and now I weigh 10lbs more. Since I've been trying to hide my habits, I've been doing a lot of stress binge eating at night. and then I almost always fall asleep with food in my stomach. I've ballooned to the point of not seeing hip bones at all.

I'm too scared to step on the scale. yesterday I was 127.6 but that was before last night.

I'm
Freaking
out

I'm sure all of you know how it feels to have a mental break down about your weight but I've got to say.. I feel incredibly alone in this. I can't talk to my family about how I feel because I don't think I can take one more comment about my vanity. I can't talk to a therapist because they'll just try to convince me that I'm fine the way I am.
I don't fucking want to be okay with my body the way it is..
I want to be skinny.

I don't know how to eat normally anymore and, to be honest, I really don't think I want to if it means gaining weight.

I want to get a nutritionist who can help me balance out my diet so that I"m not craving stupid shit. I want to have a balanced 500-800 calories per day diet. maybe a nutritionist would be okay with that.... FUCK

I reread through some of my previous posts and I realized that I write like I think. I love it. I feel like I can write anything to you guys and it will be accepted no matter what. I might even be able to get on a scale today, who knows :)

I was feeling pretty good about myself yesterday until night came around. dad and I went cycling for about thirty minutes before church and I worked up a great sweat. later, we went to the tennis courts and got schooled by an eighth grader but at least we were out moving around.

I just talked to my sister about my weight gain and she told me that my mind is playing tricks on me. I would love to believe her, but I honestly never know if she's telling me that just to be nice or if she actually believes it. I always ask myself: if she felt differently would she tell me? HELL NO SHE WOULDN'T

uggh hopefully I can get to the gym after I'm done nannying and maybe I'll take the little one to the park and run around until she gets worn out.

stay beautiful! lovelies

xoxo
B

ps. I actually have two entries that I wrote in a journal when I couldnt get on this site. I'll try to post them a little later on today

love love

and it's too damn hard to fall asleep in this wrecking yard

My mind wont let me fucking sleep. I got a UTI yesterday so I went to an after hours urgent care and got a prescription for some meds that I'm supposed to take with food. needless to say, I have yet to follow the doctor's orders and chase the little buggers with food or milk.

I'm 122.4 today thanks to a binge this morning at about 4:45. it consisted of baked beans, corn on the cob, and special k cereal. I purged when I woke up. today I have yet to eat anything except for those little bastard pills. I've been drinking calorie free slimquick all morning and I did my nails and laundry and taught my niece some sign language. all in all it's been pretty productive.

I don't know if any of you have felt this way but I spent about a half hour reading through some of my favorite blogs and well.. I suck at writing.
seriously.
my posts are a big pile of poop.
I sorely lack the originality to post something of real substance and honestly with my full time nannying I dont even know if I have the time to devote to the struggle to wrack my brain in hopes of some witty comment or musing so that I may appear original.

ughh. I'm new to blogging, clearly.

Thanks to all of you for sticking it out and maybe even sometimes reading these posts

i love you all annnnd if y'all have any tips on running this blog please please please fill me in. I'd love it.

I need help.. help help help. I've been bulimic so much that it hurts.

The only time that I'm happy is when I'm fasting but with my sister's craziness and the drama surrounding my life right now, I havent been able to fast like I should. I suck at restricting because I just throw it up. even if I only eat a half cup of greenbeans (yeah.. I love veggies) I either can't stop eating or I go straight to the wc and drink water til I'm full then throw it all up... wtf?

today I failed and it's not even noon.

breakfast:1 slimquick packet w/bottles water

lunch: 1 romaine salad w/carrots (decent) and raisins (no good)

shit ton of cookie dough and 6 freshly baked cookies.

see if you can spot the mistake

yeah.. I thought you probably could.

I don't know how to get myself back in control of what I'm putting in my body. I hate myself for my newly acquired habits and all I really want is to drink sq and water all day. I would be weightless, I would be perfect, and I would be pure.

I need tips on getting back on track. please?

love love love

B

my life is fucking crazy

i was working full time as a receptionist when my sister got sick. she went to the hospital and I had to miss work... turns out her baby was in danger so they did an emergency c section. my boss told me to call when shit calmed down and they would put me back on the schedule. my sister had a beautiful 3 lb baby girl but her blood pressure was so high, her brain swelled. things calmed down and I called work... no answer.. after countless messages and no response, I gave up. I know. its fucked up. jenn hired me as a nanny full time (50 hrs per week) its been almost a month and the baby has gained weight but yesterday my sister had a crippling headache that made her nauseous and pukey. she saw a neurologist and they think she may have a blood clot in her brain!! Wtf!

oh yeah and I passed the fuck out which frightened me into eating a little more than I should

needless to say, I've gained 2 or 3 lbs


on a brighter note, I went on a date last night :) it was a good one too. I got chills when his fingers danced across my body and yes ladies, when we kissed, I got butterflies. seriously, just so you know a bit about me, that RARELY happens anymore. I can't stand the waiting for him to call or text. it's driving me bonkers!!

I might update y'all again later

Xoxo
B

back on the horse

alright.. last week I was doing pretty well until I started passing out.... I passed out in the middle of a high school graduation and had to explain that to everyone... let me tell you... awkwardddd

ANYways. over the weekend I was eating a lot.. like a lot a lot and not purging it all up so long story short I"m back on the horse again. I don't even feel like I deserve to be in this community anymore but I know that everyone has these shitty times in their lives...

I love you all!!

stay gorgeous!!!

hair skin and nails.. oh my!

So.. I should hve seen it coming. I knew the day would come when I would look down in the shower drain and see more hair in the drain than on my head... I'm not skinny enough to be losing hair. Why and how can this be happening to me right now? my nails are cracked and splitting, my skin is that of a teenage boy, and my hair....

my long, beautiful, chestnut hair....... it's coming out left and right. My gums are receding and are always sore.

why do i still feel the need to cling to ana after all of this? I weigh 118. that's fucking ridiculous to weigh 118 and to be losing hair and shit. I'm freaking the fuck out!!!! aaaghhh what the hell can i do now? will my hair come back if i turn from ana? if I forsake my only friend will my teeth be spared?

the better question is can i? do i have the strength to let vile nourishment sit in my protruding stomach, all the while knowing that I will gain weigh faster than I can even blink due to the bullshit I've dragged these poor bones of mine through.

I don't even know if this post makes sense anymore. I hope it does because I'm seriously about to explode.

stay beautiful

xoxo

B

119

Posters

This is my favorite part of the song, Posters, by Jack Johnson. yes, I know it's pretty much the entire song but that's because it's a fucking incredible song.. DUH!


Looking at herself but wishing she was someone else
Because the body of the doll it don't look like hers at all

So she straps it on, she sucks it in, she throws it up, and gives a grin
Laughing at herself because she knows she ain't that at all

All caught up in the trends
Well the truth began to bend
And the next thing you know man
There just ain't no truth left at all

Cause when the pretty girl walks
She walks so proud
And when the pretty girl laughs
Oh man, she laughs so loud

And if it ain't this then its that
As a matter of fact
She hasn't had a day to relax
Since she has lost her ability to think clearly

Well I'm an energetic hypothetic version of another person
Check out my outsides there ain't nothing in here

Well I'm a superficial, systematic, music television addict
Check out my outsides there ain't nothing in

Here comes another one, just like the other one
Looking at himself but wishing he was someone else
Because the posters on the wall they don't look like a him
And so he ties it up he tucks it in, he pulls it back and gives a grin
Laughing at himself because he knows he ain't loved at all
He knows he ain't loved at all

Why the fuck can 't I let myself be happy for once? I was comfortable with my weightloss yesterday (last night I weighed in at 118.6) so what do I do? FUCKING SABOTAGE MYSELF!!!!! I ate a huge ass bowl of special k and didnt even purge it up! fuck fuck fuck fuck my life!!! ugghhh Idk what to even do now. I want to start a fast but I fear there will be some eyebrows raised in the house. i dont know how to make this better!

alright.. now that the time for me to be a whiney little bitch is over, I'm ready to do what I have to do. I have 4 days until brandon comes home which means 4 days of fasting!! liquids only! and preferably liquids w/o calories. the plan for today is coffee and slimquick packets. oh my my my i just remembered!! it's gold card time at GNC :) I can get my diet supplements finally! yay :) slimquick here i come!!

oh yeah and this morning I'm a fat 121 again.. fuck my life. no more food for brittany

xoxo
-B

alright. I have been pretty purgey today which I don't feel to terrible about because my weight is still dropping but I do hate that my entire face is just one huge breakout. I need to wuit the purging. I told brandon that i've got some pretty serious eds and either he didnt fully get what i was saying or he is super super cool about it. hopefully he's super cool about it because i definitely don't need another man trying to tell me what to do. I weighed in at 121.2 this morning but I've been blacking out a lot so i need to eat a little. the unfortunate thing is that I can't ever just eat a little. it's all or nothing with me.

i'm wicked happy about the 121.2!!!

I ate some veggie burgers with ketchup, some marshmallows, and a few pieces of bread then purges them up but i wasn't positive that I got all of the bread and burger up so I took 3 laxies. I truly hope I don't get a huge huge huge belly bulge from it but I'm not too concerned.

yesterday I did 45 minutes of kickboxing class, an hour of super intense hip hop and about fifteen minutes of step. idk how much i burned but i bet it was a lot. today I'm meeting kelly for kickboxing a little later which will be refreshing. I love her (:

my immediate goal is to fast for the rest of the day. let's see how that works

I know I can stay strong!!

alright so I feel good and horrible at the same time. I feel that all of you should know, I'm just getting out of a very unhealthy relationship that I've been trying to break free of since january... I know... it was really really hard. He keeps texting me and telling me that he misses me and he wants things to be different and all of the typical bs that he says to get me in bed. The good news is... wait for it... I"M OVER HIM!!!! :) I've moved on to an incredibly sweet guy that has been my best friend since middle school. he's perfect for me. so.. why do I feel like I still kind of miss Mr. asshole ex? my life is full of contradictions.

On a different not, I ate and purged last night but luckily I feel like I got the majority of it all up and out of my system. to prove it, I weighed in this morning... wait for it... 123.8!!! YESSS I'm getting there again! :) I'll probably post again a little later today

xoxo
-B

I want to be good SOO bad. I try so hard during the day to avoid everything that might make me gain. I despise food and all that it does to me yet night time comes around and I inevitably pig out on crap and stuff my face with shit that I would never consciously put into my body. This morning I ate 4 hawaiian sweet rolls (110 cals each) and 3/4 cup of raisins (350 cals) I tried to purge it up once i realized what i had done but.... the rolls had turned to cement in my stomach and wouldnt budge.

I went to the store and picked up some slimquick drink mix packets and have had 2 so far in addition to 3 laxative pills. I feel soooo disgusting though because now I have a nasty bulge in my tummy. I went to the pool with kelly and she said I'm looking good. THat translates into: I'm glad you look fat because now I don't have to worry about your eating disorders. AWESOME KEL!!! hopefully my pool party wont be too terribly embarrassing. I'm going to a party full of figure skaters. figure skater=awesome body. bring on the confidence killers!!

hopefully the laxies will work before I leave so I can lose this horrid belly bulge. UGHHH 127.2 :(

FAILURE!

I failed last night. I ate and i purged. I don't necessarily think of it as a binge but i definitely ate. I feel like such a failure now. I feel bloated and fat and ugly and I honestly just want to be empty but there's nothing I can do about it now. I've now got this ugly dilemma to face: do I take laxatives and risk looking bloated for my pool party tonight or do I just work it all off at the gym today? hmmm. one thing is for certain: I will not eat at all today. nothing. not one bite of anything at all. I still have a venti sumatra blend black coffee from starbuck's chilling in my car cup holder so I guess I'll have that this morning and nothing else.

now it's time to check out my gym's class schedule. I love taking group classes because a) I am so much thinner than most of the people in the class and b) they are so much fun that I usually forget I'm taking a class lol. I am already sore from my cardio funk fusion yesterday and I didn't even feel like I was working all that hard haha. When I get a workout and it's fun I always feel like I'm cheating. It's like, if it doesn't hurt, then I shouldn't be getting results :)

On the brighter side of life, my best friend kelly just got a membership to my gym/pool again. She cancelled her membership when she went away to school but now we can hang out there like we used to. I'm probably going to head over to the pool in just a little bit to work on my tan (:

grace and truth

today at church we wrapped up a series about relationships. We've talked about a lot of things but today was all about grace and truth. It all began when the word became man and was full of grace and truth. It's important, in the greek language especially, to note that word order and placement matter immensely. It doesn't say that jesus was full of truth and grace. in fact, nowhere in the bible does it say he is full of truth and grace. It always puts grace first. If you think about the story of the adulteress that is directly caught in the act and brought before jesus in the center of town, Jesus does not condemn her first. It is the people who try to bring out the truth and expose her in a way that is cutting and humiliating. Jesus simply grant her grace by saying that he will not condemn her. It seems that christians are very divided on the ideas of truth and grace. People can either be truthful or graceful but never both. The truth people are always upholding the law. They cling to the fact that God is truth. These are the pharisees. These are the bible thumpers. On the other hand, there a the grace people. They oftentimes are seen as the weak hippy dippy christians who see sin as a problem in the world that doesn't apply to them. They're saved by grace so they can do whatever they want. They show grace by accepting everyone's actions and never leading anyone in the RIGHT path. both of these ideas are right and both are wrong at the same time. the thing about truth is that it is designed to unveil, to bring everything out into the open. pastor gave the illustration of a department store. If you were in a department store and you wanted to try on some clothes, it would be prudent to find a changing room to hide yourself before you uncovered yourself. In the same way, grace covers us so that we can feel safe when the truth comes out. grace is the changing room that helps us to accept the healthy truth that comes to transform our sinful ways. Jesus grants the woman grace. He says he will not condemn her; but then he says go now and sin no more. he addresses the fact that she has sinned. The truth is, this woman has committed adultery and has sinned but instead of shaming her and judging her with truth, the christlike thing to do is grant grace and then address the sin. If grace comes first, then you can position yourself to be on the same side to tackle the issue of sin. we are covered with grace so that when we are stripped naked and laid bare by truth, we can feel safe to change and transform into the people we were made to be.

today today today

I think I'm in a bit of a rut. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I feel a million times better and look a trillion times better when i am fasting but lately I've slipped back into the binge/purge cycle. I have no way of knowing how much food I actually get out and it really worries me. Sometimes I'll binge, fully intending to purge it back up, and end up falling asleep. I of course purge as soon as I wake up and I usually get some of it up but I almost always feel like I gain that way. I'm going to avoid the kitchen entirely tonight. So far All I've had to eat today is NOTHING!! I drank a small cup of coffee at church today but other than that absolutely nothing. I'm a little bit worried that I might start retaining water because lately I've been letting myself get dehydrated... Idk if anyone else feels like this but honestly I hate the feeling of ANYTHING in my stomach so sometimes I avoid water too. I need to fix this. I need to water fast and just binge on water. I went to starbucks tonight and got a coffee but I haven't had it yet so I'm thinking that'll be dinner. I'm 127 today which is absolutely horrible but on the up side, I went to the gym today and took an hour of cardio funk dance class, burned about a hundred cals running, did a crap ton of abs, did the wave machine for 80 cals, and laid out for a little bit as a reward (: I hav e apool party tomorrow and I am NOT in the kind of shape I would like to be in for it and the guy I've been seriously talking to is coming home this weekend so, of course, I want to look my absolute best for him!!!

Today:

breakfast: small cup of coffee (black)

snack: nothing

lunch: nothing

snack: nothing

dinner: water & venti black coffee (sumatra blend)

just a brief disclaimer of sort

Why hello there everyone, I'm going to begin this blog by offering somewhat of a disclaimer.. I am in no way a blogger. in fact, this is my very first one. I wanted a way to exoress myself and my feelings toward my eating disorders that can speak into the lives of other people around me. That said, I know there are multitudes of eating disorder websites and I'm a member of a few of them, I just need a ay to vent and let the world know how I am doing. I feel like maybe this will help keep me accountable. any thoughts? give 'em to me. I really do want feedback. With THAT being said, I hope you all realize that I do not in any way want or expect to get "better" I am pro-ana as far as my life is concerned. I believe that it is a disorder that is deeply woven into my psyche and it really can't be caught like the common cold. I do not expect to be giving people advice on how to contract this disease and if you are a healthy individual I hope you can discern the sickness from the wellness in my writing. I hope you can see me as an example of why you should continue to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly. Stay strong, stay kind, and most of all STAY GORGEOUS!!