Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Still alive

And surprisingly not too terribly depressed.

Hopefully I haven't fucked myself in school again...

Basically I did what I've done every semester thus far. The first exams come up, I get terrified and miss a couple classes, my profs drop me. End of story.

Hopefully I can redeem myself before its too late :-/

Saturday, September 1, 2012

I'm not dead...

I'm sorry for being away so long lovelies.. Or lovely(singular)

I'm ok

I've missed you :-/

Thursday, February 16, 2012

My hunger never stops.

I have an insatiable appetite

I hate it.

Laxies are making me fat.

In fact, I weighed 138 pounds yesterday. Holy shit.





Oh my gosh. Freak out!!! It's almost summer....
Goal? 121 by my 21st birthday.


Saturday, February 11, 2012


Ever since I was a little girl, I've been deathly afraid of mirrors..

I was always a tubby little thing as a toddler and I was fascinated by my rolls. You know.. that kind of fascination people have with grotesque things... The same reason people pick at scabs and squeeze blemishes. I would pull on my tights, leotard, and tutu, check out my fat baby-bum, and spend hours in front of the mirror squatting, stretching, pulling, throwing my fat-baby self through the air, all the while trying my darnedest to not make a sound when all my weight crashthudded down to earth.

By the time I was 5 I had been introduced to the phantom of the opera, great music, creepy-ass show...

The dude comes out of the mirror and takes our heroine into a realm of darkness and perfection

Suddenly, it was as if I had a new explanation as to why mirrors made me sad.

Ever since then, I knew I was different.
The phantom was my sickness
Perfection would be weightlessness.

Every time I was in the dark I would make a point to never walk in front of a mirror. I just knew it would suck me in.

These are the fucked up things I've always lived with.

I was always keenly aware of exactly who was looking back at me when I stared into my own cold eyes. I just always had this feeling that I would blink too hard, stare too long, and the face looking back at me would be some other person's face.

If I didn't show the mirrorphantom a perfect me, she would ooze out, pull me in, and whisk me away into darkness. Her sole purpose, my perfection.

I don't know if any of this makes sense but I've never told anyone..

Maybe she finally got me....

Maybe that's my problem...

I bet she came in the night and crawled into my body without my knowing...

That makes more sense

Oh ps... That's a legit picture of me on my first birthday...
Then I turned into my profile picture... Wtf??? Definitely the mirrorphantom's fault

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I thought I was someone who could never be in love..... But I really think I've found it.

We'll see if this time is different

I loved Alex do much, it made me sick. I loved him so hard it hurt. I loved him with everything I was.

He didn't reciprocate.

I was empty.

And then.... It happened...
And I love him
I really do.
He's the one and I know it
I just don't want to fuck it up this time

God it's crazy

I never though I would find him



I took 7 laxies.... He knows

I puked my face off

He knows

He literally wants me to be his partner for life. What. The. Fuck?????? I'm literally crying as I type

How does this happen???

I drank a bottle and a half of wine
I know... Bad choice...
But he's in love with the real me. U would give anything to know that. He loves me truly and deeply without ever having any kind of sexual relation.

Aside from a fingergasm lol ... Or two

(I need to puke up the calories of the wine)
I need to know that he's going to be there... Aside from just saying it...


Well....... My dad just got home... Surprise!!!! I'm wasted and my father is attempting to start conversation about his backpacking trip...

I'm a waste of space

Saturday, February 4, 2012

She doesn't know that I'm lying

I'm fine....

**draws more red lines on herself**

**quietly wonders when her friends will call her countless bluffs**