Yesterday I had a break down.
I'm talking alloutknockdowndragout break down.
I completely understand where I was coming from but still.. I hate being visibly vulnerable. right now everyone is depending on me. They're depending on me to be good, to work 55 hours a week, to take care of things around the house, and then, on top of all of that, they expect me to eat like a "normal" person. no wonder I'm getting huge again. I've got no chance. I was already feeling worthless when my mom asked me the dreaded question... "B, do you know where the cookie dough is?" I wanted so badly to say nope. not a clue. but.... that would be so incredibly far from the horribly ugly truth, I couldn't stand it. "yep. I ate it." I said without flinching. then she started talking about how i eat too much... she's disappointed because I eat too much! I went from eating absolutely nothing to eating too much!! WHAT THE FUCK!!
little does she know..
I can easily remedy that.
so... long story short, I'm doing just that.. I'm fixing the problem.
When I'm trying soo hard to eat like a normal person (for them of course), I get so uncontrollably depressed and grumpy. I always fight with my family. When I'm looking like a holocaust survivor, I'm happy as a clam. Which leads me to the realization, If my family isn't happy with me trying to recover for them and they arent happy with me fasting, then I choose fasting. At least when I fast, I'M happy. that's pretty much all I can do at this point.
I gotta go. the baby's up
stay beautiful!
xoxo
B
Edit: I started acai 14 day cleanse yesterday. I felt like absolute shit... nauseous... headache... but then i started absolutely shitting. SUCCESS!! took it again this morning and I can't wait to see how it works. *kisses*
You should do whatever makes you happy.
ReplyDeleteFuck everyone else <3
-Gypsy
Indeed! I second Gypsy.
ReplyDeleteIm with the girls above!
ReplyDeleteI HAD HAD to eat dinner last night because the bf was over and keeps pestering me...saying im "acting out" in my ED. So I did, and then i woke up starving and couldn't just quit it with some rice cakes..had a half bagel and then a cup of cereal. seriously SHIT.
Also - I started the Acai berry cleanse last week! its helping but now that i've been on it for a week its not working as well so Im getting more and more frustrated.
I love your blog btw. so pretty.
I just signed up to follow. ;-) check mine out if you feel like it!
xoxo
stay strong beautiful, we can do this!
I hate that. They want us to be "normal" and eat proportionately, just like everyone else in the world.
ReplyDeleteYep, there is no obesity epidemic going on, eh? How is it that our families are so perfect anyways? Oh yeah, it's called denial.
xoxo's zen
o yay u started the cleansed i finsihed mine a few days ago and i just bought another bottle
ReplyDeleteyeah part way in u dont go as much as u did the first coupdle days but really think about it how much shit can u have in ur system
but fuck ur mother for expecting all that