I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while. My parents have been noticing my habits getting worse lately so i've had to try to eat like a normal person. The unfortunate part of all of this is that I've gained SOOO much. I am so horrifically ashamed of my body now. for a while a was pretty comfortable with it, and now I weigh 10lbs more. Since I've been trying to hide my habits, I've been doing a lot of stress binge eating at night. and then I almost always fall asleep with food in my stomach. I've ballooned to the point of not seeing hip bones at all.

I'm too scared to step on the scale. yesterday I was 127.6 but that was before last night.

I'm
Freaking
out

I'm sure all of you know how it feels to have a mental break down about your weight but I've got to say.. I feel incredibly alone in this. I can't talk to my family about how I feel because I don't think I can take one more comment about my vanity. I can't talk to a therapist because they'll just try to convince me that I'm fine the way I am.
I don't fucking want to be okay with my body the way it is..
I want to be skinny.

I don't know how to eat normally anymore and, to be honest, I really don't think I want to if it means gaining weight.

I want to get a nutritionist who can help me balance out my diet so that I"m not craving stupid shit. I want to have a balanced 500-800 calories per day diet. maybe a nutritionist would be okay with that.... FUCK

I reread through some of my previous posts and I realized that I write like I think. I love it. I feel like I can write anything to you guys and it will be accepted no matter what. I might even be able to get on a scale today, who knows :)

I was feeling pretty good about myself yesterday until night came around. dad and I went cycling for about thirty minutes before church and I worked up a great sweat. later, we went to the tennis courts and got schooled by an eighth grader but at least we were out moving around.

I just talked to my sister about my weight gain and she told me that my mind is playing tricks on me. I would love to believe her, but I honestly never know if she's telling me that just to be nice or if she actually believes it. I always ask myself: if she felt differently would she tell me? HELL NO SHE WOULDN'T

uggh hopefully I can get to the gym after I'm done nannying and maybe I'll take the little one to the park and run around until she gets worn out.

stay beautiful! lovelies

xoxo
B

ps. I actually have two entries that I wrote in a journal when I couldnt get on this site. I'll try to post them a little later on today

love love