Dance inspiration!!

Today started out just like any other on this thanksgiving break but then..... :)

DANCE SHOPPING!!

I found two loyalty cards to my local dance supply store and lucky for me, I needed new soft slippers. Dad and I ran over to the store and when I walked in, there was the most slim, inspirational girl working behind the counter. No clue how disordered she is, but she sure as hell helped me to not eat for the rest of the day :D I had to slip up at dinner but i threw it all back up before it made it's way anywhere on my body.

My loot from the day's dance adventure included:
one 3/4 length sleeve black leotard
one GORGEOUS black shrug with a sick black and white graphic of two pointe shoes across the shoulders
Two pink mesh bags (one big, one little)
one grey knit classic shrug
one pair of absolutely superb capezio, juliet ballet slippers (fit like a glove!!)
one precious pair of pink polka dotted foot undies
and last but certainly not least, one stunning watercolor wrap skirt that fades from a fiery red, through hues of orange, to a bright yellow at the bottom

Hell to the yes!

I just sorted through my dance shit to find more beautiful treasures to pack for school
I grabbed my legwarmers and some extra leotards as well as a couple of shrugs that have been hiding in the back of my drawer... my goal will be to look as thin natalie portman in black swan. She always wears the cutest fucking outfits! I want to do that!! lol

I really have this uncontrollable urge to cut some sick design into my hip... i may have to settle for little lines though.. my most recent cuts are scabbing over and healing so i may as well make some more

I love you all so very very much

stay beautiful

ph ps.. I dropped some lbs since tuesday.. im still a hefty 131 though.. fuck these leg muscles :(

stay beautiful, my lovelies

Miss B

mmmmmm supplements

OHHHH how I love black friday! I get to shop, shop, shop! and everything is inexpensive!

My favorite part of the entire day was my trip (with daddy) to GNC... now, I know it's a little odd for a bulimic to go into a vitamin store.. especially when i tend to freak out everytime something enters my stomach... however, I'm thinking that these new supplements will keep me from eating for at least a good 4 to 6 hours just for the sole purpose of not throwing up my pills....

hasnt been working for my birth control but.. that's a different story entirely

I told my man-friend that i just got back from GNC and, being that he is an exercise science major, he was curious as to what i had purchased (okay okay and since he knows about my pretty little crazies, he also wanted to make sure I didnt get anything "bad") I listed off the main ingredients in my vitapak as well as my multi V and my hair, skin, and nails formula..... in my long list I may or may not have mentioned that my vitapak contains a thermogenic (calorie burning booster pill)

He noticed.. He for SURE noticed..

sidenote: sometimes I think I slip little hints like that into certain conversations, not as a cry for help but as a plea to be heard, to be understood. No one can love me fully unless they know me fully... and being unknown is a terribly lonely and painful place to be.

meanwhile, back in my original story: I just tested my body fat percentage and I'm really not sure how accurate it is since I did it myself with calipers but it said i was around 16%...

ENTIRELY UNACCEPTABLE! DETESTABLE! SICKENING!

to combat this atrocity that is my bodyfat percentage, I must resume my restricting... I hope hope HOPE that I can keep my outsides looking decent enough to keep the world from seeing the true me... we shall see ( and by we I actually just mean III will see... I don't need bitches to be throwin daggers at me like they know whats up )

Another grand purchase of Black friday happened to be more alli pills!! I already had the starter pack back at my dorm in michigan but now I have 120 MORE lovely blue pils to abuse and misuse to me hearts content. even if I'm not really acheiving anything by taking all these pills, at least I'll feel like I'm getting lighter (even if it's only lightheadedness).

Just so all you beautiful, magical pretties know all that's going on in my journey, The precise supplements that I purchased were (and still are) GNC's beHOT vitapak, which consists of three superultramegaradical pills: beENERGIZED, beDEFINED, and beTONED (all are for body fitness) GNC's beWHOLE multivitamin, which is pretty much your typical vitamin except that it's specifically designed for a woman, and last but not least, I got GNC's beBEAUTIFUL which is a complex of vitamins and minerals to improve my hair, skin, and nails drastically.

FUCKKK YESSSSS GNC!!!!!

I will (hopefully) keep y'all updated on my progress... I really don't want to be an on again off again friend anymore. My bpd induced flakiness really gets in the way sometimes.. I loveee you all!!!!

real talk though.. I fucking do.

sharp knife of a short life

Holy cow. just saw the most amazing thinspo and now i want to die.

literally i want to.

I started cutting again.

for some fucked up reason i had a mental breakdown. everyone was telling me i was tin and beautiful and all that bullshit. i of course believed them and let myself get to a sickening 135 pounds. fucking ridic.


for a bit of an update on my life, for those who give a fuck, I'm back in school.... not attending too regularly but they get my money every so often so im still enrolled. I'm seeing a man who has a girlfriend..... she lives all the way across the country now but he doesnt want to end things. usually i would have kicked him to the curb by now but unfortunately he's amazing... in bed, in life, in regular everyday conversation, and even when i have emotional breakdowns... i'm just so afraid that he's going to get sick of my bullshit. he knows more about me than anyone on the face of the earth and yet he is still there for me 110 percent of the time.
and yet,
i started cutting

i even went out to hobby lobby to buy myself an exacto and a shit ton of razorblades. 20 bucks down the drain but it wont make me skinny... that's what alli is for.

the box says to only take alli if you are overweight.. does this mean if i'm over my personal ideal weight? i'm taking that as a yes. the only wierd thing about it is that it makes me shit oil.....

yes. i said it.

DISGUSTING!!!
but in all reality, it's a much more horrific idea to think that all of that nasty oil was about to be digested and transformed into fluffy, yellowish failure all over my body. blech.

I miss you bitches. i need to come back. accept me again? I've been bad and i've ditched ana HARD for mia... mia is a bitch....

I love you all so much

scared of the scale

I fucked up again....

no surprise there.

All summer I was on an island in southeastern united states..... yeah.. recipe for dieting disaster..
I've decided to get back on track with a master cleanse. but of course, i didnt want to follow the directions exactly so, I just jumped right into a saltwater flush.. now i feel like i'm fulllll of fluid. my water retention has gone through the roof. how do i fix this? idk yet.. i will consult google and get back to you

hahahahahaha why in the hell do i ever try to get better?

anyone?

bueller?

yeah didn't think so.

it beats the shit out of me! seriously!! I tried for a simple weekend to be a normal human being but of course no way would that work. I'm getting a roommate next semester and i tried for a couple days to be normal and hang out with her family. Maybe, just maybe they would think I'm not a freak of nature.

what do i get to show for this vallant effort? 123 fucking pounds of lard plastered across my pooch. yeah. i know you know what a pooch is. well fuck. guess i'm back again.

not that i ever left. i just got too lazy to write a blog about my failure at life.

yeah. hi. i'm back.

xoxo
i love you all
sorry to have abandoned you.

fuck..

I'm dating a thirty two year old.. how in the god forsaken fuck did that happen? Uggghh.

on a somewhat brighter note..

(brighter in the sickmixedupcrazy.. not to mention all together assbackwards kind of way)

I've been puking.. a lot... not like I was before my awesome psych... unfortunately.

you see, the sad thing is that before and during my trips to Amy (the super wonderful really sweet psych), I was throwing up everything I put in my mouth.. plus bile.. so I essentially balanced at less calories than I started with. crazyperson logic here. bare with me....
now I'm not throwing up as much as I'm taking in which means doughy, notsolittle B.. fuck.

in the actual, normalpeople, brighter side. my new man is incredibly loving. incredibly. he is rough like I like him to be but gentle like I need him to be. the main negative is that he's older than me.. by twelve years. that's a lot of years.. A LOT a lot.

I'll be in touch.. in some pain seeking way, its good to be back.

therapy

more on the continuation of my saga de drama: it's decided. I like her.

my therapist, that is.

today was my first session and we both agreed that I didn't really, wholeheartedly want to be there. oh my goodness. we were on the same page.

side note: I'm with my nieces in the pediatrician waiting room and the strangest woman just walked by. I think she did her hair with egg bearers. shes got children's teal keds on with neon raindow knee socks, a plaid mini skirt, and a children's neon green and teal tie die t-shirt (she cut the neck out of course) from elbow to wrist, the woman had an assortment of leather and brightly colored bracelets, and to top it all off, dangling from her ears were two snake earrings. this would not have bothered me, if her kids hadn't been screeching like bloody hell the entire time.

wow. you can't make up shit like that.

anyways. I'm gonna see how this therapy thing goes and maybe i'll get some insight into the inner workings of my brain.

on an exciting note, a missionary couple that I'm really close to is finally going to get to move to China. yay! they leave at the beginning of next month and once they get settled in they want me to stay with them for a few months! Omg my dream is missions! this is surreal!! wow

stay beautiful, stay strong, and know that you're loved

Xoxo
B