From the plane

I'm so fucking sick lol.

So I'm on an airplane and took oh idk 5 laxies... I'm obsessing again and I'm not even home yet!! I want the perfect body and I want to be wanted! Is that too much to ask?

I don't want to be second best anymore. It blows more chunks than... Me..

Which is a whole damn lot.

He talks to me but wants her. My semi-sane mind says that as soon as I'm back at school, everything will work out. He will be all mine and she will be out of the picture.. My cynical mind says that I will be in the exact same shittyassfuckedup position that I've been in since August.

He promised when we talked, after my failed attempt at death, that he wouldn't have sex with her. He said he would only promise that if I would promise not to hurt myself..

..They had sex.

He swears he was just going along with it. He swears he never initiated any of it.. The shitty part is that I was aching to cut myself. I was yearning to expose my flesh, look at my insides.. But I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself do it because I knew the desire to hurt myself, although it was so painfully strong, was not nearly as strong as my longing...
...to be loved..

Pathetic right?

I know.. I'm disgusting.

I'll go back to being a sex toy and she'll get her head stuffed back under the wool. We'll both go back to being idiots in love with a man who hasn't a clue what he wants.. Who hasn't got even an inkling of self control in any bone in his body.. Especially not in THAT one.

It's a lot easier to believe that he doesn't know what he wants or even what he's doing. It's much more difficult.. Actually downright terrifying to propose that perhaps he's fully aware of what he wants and fully in control of the entire situation.

That idea chills me to my bones

Which is incredible because my bones are currently all buried deep deep under a sickening layer of lard..

This is what I need to be

Fuck Hollywood

So here I am in LA... And all the pretty people are skinny... The ugly people are fat.. Big surprise..

The issue arises when there are a lot of pretty and tin people... Oh yeah and my group keeps feeding me. Damnit :( oh jeez. I throw up when I can but sometimes I just can't. Sad life..

Well everyone else, please please PLEASE stay strong since I can't. I love you all so much

The happiest place on earth

Lol so... I'm in Disneyland and I'm having the time of my life. I'm not miserable at all. I'm having an absolute blast!!

If any of you know me.. At all.. You know that the only possible way for that to happen is if I'm restricting and purging haha. In the land of little kids and happiness, I'm still only happy when I'm shrinking. On the bright side, i bought a children's sized skirt and it fits perfectly:)

I can't exactly update too much til I return but know that I do love you all.

the thought police is watching me

welp.. i'm alive... didnt kill myself... thanks hark :)
and thank you guys who actually read this shit and especially those of you who take the time to comment. peridot, you fucking rock.. seriously I've missed you and youve been there for a bunch of my darkness.. believe it or not you're comments are exactly what i need to hear. mich, you are such an amazing writer and i love the fact that you've been around for me even though i've been such a fucking flake! Longing girl, your comments help me get through and i love that you're a new friend :) and of course miss sarah, how could i forget you? You've been there for quite a long haul too! We've all made it this far without checking out early and offing ourselves!! yay!! well now that i officially feel like the cheesiest person on blogger for my shoutouts.. here's my update lol
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

"There was of course no way of knowing whether you were being watched at any given moment. How often, or on what system, the Thought Police plugged in on any individual wire was guesswork. It was even conceivable that they watched everybody all the time. But at any rate they could plug in your wire whenever they wanted to. You had to live—did live, from habit that became instinct—in the assumption that every sound you made was overheard, and, except in darkness, every movement scrutinized." -George Orwell "1984"

so i'm home right.. and my mom has aparently started on this "big brother", thought police, I'm not going to let you have any privacy whatsoever kick... little does she know that I keep her in the dark in order to protect her from the nasty person her little girl has grown up to be.. so she asks me the other day if i had an upset stomach.. i said yes.. she then proceeds to question me about using laxies.. i said i had no idea what she was talking about

blatant lie. i took 7 or 8 the other night.. yeah.. i regretted it

ewwww

back on track
she gave me that snooty look of hers when she knows i'm lying.. i walked away and puked in the toilet haha.

upon going to my room i realized she had yet again raided my stuff and taken 20 dollars worth of dulcolax.. ASSFUCKSHITDAMN! now i have to buy more :( and i'm so fucking broke it's not even remotely funny. that woman is SUCH a fucking snoop and she thinks she's going to make me better. the sad part is that when she removes my vices, i become intolerable. I am a bitch to everyone and anyone who tries to stop me from doing what i want to do to myself and it's pathetic but really really true :( I continue to harm myself in order to protect the world from me.

I'm truly insufferable otherwise

on the brighter side, i think i'm losing again which keeps me on the sane-bright-sunny, everyonewantstobemyfriend side instead of the self deprecating and dark side.

I just can't figure out whay they wont let me just not eat and be happy? when i get fat, i eat, cut, abuse laxies, puke, cry, complain (incessantly) to the only people i love, and live in misery.
literally i will kill myself if i get fat.

which is pathetic especially since it has very little to do with how i ACTUALLY look and a whole WHOLE lot to do with how i think i look and how my crazies tell me i look. when it all comes down to it, it's not even about how i look at all but how i feel. I feel in control, alive, vibrant. THAT's what i need to get back to. That's how i can fake hapiness.

maybe one day i'll actually believe my lies

hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love.

stay beautiful my dolls,
B

some extra strength motivation:

I remember when i used to look like this

fat, ugly, hurt

well I'm an idiot.
he wont love me.
she will stay in the picture.
im an idiot
a whole lot of shit later (literally)

im going to sleep

fuck
my
sad
life

i wanted to die

so badly

now i just dont give two shits


love you all
-lou

My love, leave yourself behind. beat inside me, leave you blind

My love, look what you can do. I am mended, i'll be with you.

so the one person who can fix me, doesn't love me.

and in the spirit of true highschool drama, i'm crying about it.

I hate to let anyone actually know how badly it hurts. I'm such a fragile person to begin with and then to make things worse, I actually let him in this time. he knows everything.

literally.

He didn't shy away from my darkness, instead he held me. He understood. When I cry and fall apart he pulls my face up to his and tells me not to be afraid. He sits with me for hours on end just talking and cuddling and laughing and fantasizing. We fantasize about different lives. I'm an international spy and he's an assassin and we roam the world together in crime and passion. If this isn't what love looks like, I'm terribly afraid that I have no idea what love is. I always thought that love was when two people know everything there is to know about each other and choose to be there in spite of all of it.

SHIT I'm dumb.

I guess I fell for it again eh? I fall in love really quickly. These are the facts. I fall and I fall hard because I truly feel for people.I truly do love people. When my infatuation with love is combined with earth shattering sex and intense passion, I fall faster than a brick in a lake. The funny and truly masochistic part of the whole ordeal is that, truth be told, I like that i fall fast and hard. If I didn't I would cease to be myself. Of all the things that i utterly despise about myself, that is the one thing that I hate the least.

Even though I bleed, at least it means I have felt.

some pretties to help you get by:

friends... so no one told you life was gonna be this way....

This is embarrassing. I've never had friends. seriously.. never.

coming clean with even one person feels like weakness. it's like i'm giving up a part of me. I can't put up my walls anymore. it's literally the most terrifying thing i've ever done in my entire life just being open and honest for once. i've never done that before. ever.

Do you ever feel like if you open up to someone, that's all you become to them? I do.

It's like, I know that inside my little head, i'm going nuts and obsessing and restricting and criticizing. I'm okay with thinking and overthinking, analyzing everything and keeping it all in it's pretty little head shaped packaging.. I would never dream of letting anything slip out.. but now that someone else knows, I can't talk about anything else.

I'm selfish,
narcissistic,
pathetic,
lazy,
flakey,
oh and did i say predictable?

every bad thing that you could possibly think of, that's me in a nutshell. I'm just like every other fat kid who thinks she has an eating disorder. Trust me, if you've been anywhere in the same room with these thighs, you'd know that i definitely could go without a meal or two and be juuuust fine. it's sickening really.

oh and i ramble.. boy oh boy do i ramble. I often forget that my problems are pretty much all in my head and even if they weren't, they would be of little to no consequence to anyone else.. I mean really though, if i remove myself from the situation and look at it objectively, I wouldn't want to be friends with me.

There are so many unknowns that i can't control when i choose to let someone else in. For example, I have no idea if they're going to judge me, or try to "help", I don't know if they're going to be awkward and start slowly slinking out of my life or if they're actually going to be there. the most worrying part , and it's probably the most selfish part, is that i don't know if it's just me that this person cares about or if they act like this with all their friends. ughh too many thoughts for one night.

i'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

but first here are some pretties for you. best of luck

printer!!! new thinspo pictures

This is terribly random but i just figured i'd share a bit of joy with you all today!

I got my printer to work!! yayy!

I'm someone who enjoys making collages out of all my little pretty pictures of thinspiration however, without a printer, I was sorely lacking. lo and behold, i've fixed it! :D

here's a sample of what i'm working on now

Dance inspiration!!

Today started out just like any other on this thanksgiving break but then..... :)

DANCE SHOPPING!!

I found two loyalty cards to my local dance supply store and lucky for me, I needed new soft slippers. Dad and I ran over to the store and when I walked in, there was the most slim, inspirational girl working behind the counter. No clue how disordered she is, but she sure as hell helped me to not eat for the rest of the day :D I had to slip up at dinner but i threw it all back up before it made it's way anywhere on my body.

My loot from the day's dance adventure included:
one 3/4 length sleeve black leotard
one GORGEOUS black shrug with a sick black and white graphic of two pointe shoes across the shoulders
Two pink mesh bags (one big, one little)
one grey knit classic shrug
one pair of absolutely superb capezio, juliet ballet slippers (fit like a glove!!)
one precious pair of pink polka dotted foot undies
and last but certainly not least, one stunning watercolor wrap skirt that fades from a fiery red, through hues of orange, to a bright yellow at the bottom

Hell to the yes!

I just sorted through my dance shit to find more beautiful treasures to pack for school
I grabbed my legwarmers and some extra leotards as well as a couple of shrugs that have been hiding in the back of my drawer... my goal will be to look as thin natalie portman in black swan. She always wears the cutest fucking outfits! I want to do that!! lol

I really have this uncontrollable urge to cut some sick design into my hip... i may have to settle for little lines though.. my most recent cuts are scabbing over and healing so i may as well make some more

I love you all so very very much

stay beautiful

ph ps.. I dropped some lbs since tuesday.. im still a hefty 131 though.. fuck these leg muscles :(

stay beautiful, my lovelies

Miss B

mmmmmm supplements

OHHHH how I love black friday! I get to shop, shop, shop! and everything is inexpensive!

My favorite part of the entire day was my trip (with daddy) to GNC... now, I know it's a little odd for a bulimic to go into a vitamin store.. especially when i tend to freak out everytime something enters my stomach... however, I'm thinking that these new supplements will keep me from eating for at least a good 4 to 6 hours just for the sole purpose of not throwing up my pills....

hasnt been working for my birth control but.. that's a different story entirely

I told my man-friend that i just got back from GNC and, being that he is an exercise science major, he was curious as to what i had purchased (okay okay and since he knows about my pretty little crazies, he also wanted to make sure I didnt get anything "bad") I listed off the main ingredients in my vitapak as well as my multi V and my hair, skin, and nails formula..... in my long list I may or may not have mentioned that my vitapak contains a thermogenic (calorie burning booster pill)

He noticed.. He for SURE noticed..

sidenote: sometimes I think I slip little hints like that into certain conversations, not as a cry for help but as a plea to be heard, to be understood. No one can love me fully unless they know me fully... and being unknown is a terribly lonely and painful place to be.

meanwhile, back in my original story: I just tested my body fat percentage and I'm really not sure how accurate it is since I did it myself with calipers but it said i was around 16%...

ENTIRELY UNACCEPTABLE! DETESTABLE! SICKENING!

to combat this atrocity that is my bodyfat percentage, I must resume my restricting... I hope hope HOPE that I can keep my outsides looking decent enough to keep the world from seeing the true me... we shall see ( and by we I actually just mean III will see... I don't need bitches to be throwin daggers at me like they know whats up )

Another grand purchase of Black friday happened to be more alli pills!! I already had the starter pack back at my dorm in michigan but now I have 120 MORE lovely blue pils to abuse and misuse to me hearts content. even if I'm not really acheiving anything by taking all these pills, at least I'll feel like I'm getting lighter (even if it's only lightheadedness).

Just so all you beautiful, magical pretties know all that's going on in my journey, The precise supplements that I purchased were (and still are) GNC's beHOT vitapak, which consists of three superultramegaradical pills: beENERGIZED, beDEFINED, and beTONED (all are for body fitness) GNC's beWHOLE multivitamin, which is pretty much your typical vitamin except that it's specifically designed for a woman, and last but not least, I got GNC's beBEAUTIFUL which is a complex of vitamins and minerals to improve my hair, skin, and nails drastically.

FUCKKK YESSSSS GNC!!!!!

I will (hopefully) keep y'all updated on my progress... I really don't want to be an on again off again friend anymore. My bpd induced flakiness really gets in the way sometimes.. I loveee you all!!!!

real talk though.. I fucking do.

sharp knife of a short life

Holy cow. just saw the most amazing thinspo and now i want to die.

literally i want to.

I started cutting again.

for some fucked up reason i had a mental breakdown. everyone was telling me i was tin and beautiful and all that bullshit. i of course believed them and let myself get to a sickening 135 pounds. fucking ridic.


for a bit of an update on my life, for those who give a fuck, I'm back in school.... not attending too regularly but they get my money every so often so im still enrolled. I'm seeing a man who has a girlfriend..... she lives all the way across the country now but he doesnt want to end things. usually i would have kicked him to the curb by now but unfortunately he's amazing... in bed, in life, in regular everyday conversation, and even when i have emotional breakdowns... i'm just so afraid that he's going to get sick of my bullshit. he knows more about me than anyone on the face of the earth and yet he is still there for me 110 percent of the time.
and yet,
i started cutting

i even went out to hobby lobby to buy myself an exacto and a shit ton of razorblades. 20 bucks down the drain but it wont make me skinny... that's what alli is for.

the box says to only take alli if you are overweight.. does this mean if i'm over my personal ideal weight? i'm taking that as a yes. the only wierd thing about it is that it makes me shit oil.....

yes. i said it.

DISGUSTING!!!
but in all reality, it's a much more horrific idea to think that all of that nasty oil was about to be digested and transformed into fluffy, yellowish failure all over my body. blech.

I miss you bitches. i need to come back. accept me again? I've been bad and i've ditched ana HARD for mia... mia is a bitch....

I love you all so much

scared of the scale

I fucked up again....

no surprise there.

All summer I was on an island in southeastern united states..... yeah.. recipe for dieting disaster..
I've decided to get back on track with a master cleanse. but of course, i didnt want to follow the directions exactly so, I just jumped right into a saltwater flush.. now i feel like i'm fulllll of fluid. my water retention has gone through the roof. how do i fix this? idk yet.. i will consult google and get back to you

hahahahahaha why in the hell do i ever try to get better?

anyone?

bueller?

yeah didn't think so.

it beats the shit out of me! seriously!! I tried for a simple weekend to be a normal human being but of course no way would that work. I'm getting a roommate next semester and i tried for a couple days to be normal and hang out with her family. Maybe, just maybe they would think I'm not a freak of nature.

what do i get to show for this vallant effort? 123 fucking pounds of lard plastered across my pooch. yeah. i know you know what a pooch is. well fuck. guess i'm back again.

not that i ever left. i just got too lazy to write a blog about my failure at life.

yeah. hi. i'm back.

xoxo
i love you all
sorry to have abandoned you.