Still alive

And surprisingly not too terribly depressed.

Hopefully I haven't fucked myself in school again...

Basically I did what I've done every semester thus far. The first exams come up, I get terrified and miss a couple classes, my profs drop me. End of story.

Hopefully I can redeem myself before its too late :-/

I'm not dead...

I'm sorry for being away so long lovelies.. Or lovely(singular)

I'm ok

I've missed you :-/

check out my tumblr!!

scared to d(EAT)h

My hunger never stops.

I have an insatiable appetite

I hate it.

Laxies are making me fat.

In fact, I weighed 138 pounds yesterday. Holy shit.

Unacceptable.

Must.

Stop.

Eating.




Oh my gosh. Freak out!!! It's almost summer....
Goal? 121 by my 21st birthday.

Doable

Mirrors

Ever since I was a little girl, I've been deathly afraid of mirrors..

I was always a tubby little thing as a toddler and I was fascinated by my rolls. You know.. that kind of fascination people have with grotesque things... The same reason people pick at scabs and squeeze blemishes. I would pull on my tights, leotard, and tutu, check out my fat baby-bum, and spend hours in front of the mirror squatting, stretching, pulling, throwing my fat-baby self through the air, all the while trying my darnedest to not make a sound when all my weight crashthudded down to earth.

By the time I was 5 I had been introduced to the phantom of the opera, great music, creepy-ass show...

The dude comes out of the mirror and takes our heroine into a realm of darkness and perfection

Suddenly, it was as if I had a new explanation as to why mirrors made me sad.

Ever since then, I knew I was different.
The phantom was my sickness
Perfection would be weightlessness.

Every time I was in the dark I would make a point to never walk in front of a mirror. I just knew it would suck me in.

These are the fucked up things I've always lived with.

I was always keenly aware of exactly who was looking back at me when I stared into my own cold eyes. I just always had this feeling that I would blink too hard, stare too long, and the face looking back at me would be some other person's face.

If I didn't show the mirrorphantom a perfect me, she would ooze out, pull me in, and whisk me away into darkness. Her sole purpose, my perfection.

I don't know if any of this makes sense but I've never told anyone..

Maybe she finally got me....

Maybe that's my problem...

I bet she came in the night and crawled into my body without my knowing...

That makes more sense


Oh ps... That's a legit picture of me on my first birthday...
Then I turned into my profile picture... Wtf??? Definitely the mirrorphantom's fault

I thought I was someone who could never be in love..... But I really think I've found it.

We'll see if this time is different

I loved Alex do much, it made me sick. I loved him so hard it hurt. I loved him with everything I was.
...

He didn't reciprocate.

I was empty.





And then.... It happened...
And I love him
I really do.
He's the one and I know it
I just don't want to fuck it up this time

God it's crazy

I never though I would find him

He
Literally
Knows


Everything!!!!!!

I took 7 laxies.... He knows

I puked my face off

He knows

He literally wants me to be his partner for life. What. The. Fuck?????? I'm literally crying as I type

How does this happen???

I drank a bottle and a half of wine
I know... Bad choice...
But he's in love with the real me. U would give anything to know that. He loves me truly and deeply without ever having any kind of sexual relation.

Aside from a fingergasm lol ... Or two

(I need to puke up the calories of the wine)
I need to know that he's going to be there... Aside from just saying it...

...

Well....... My dad just got home... Surprise!!!! I'm wasted and my father is attempting to start conversation about his backpacking trip...

I'm a waste of space

She doesn't know that I'm lying

I'm fine....

**draws more red lines on herself**

**quietly wonders when her friends will call her countless bluffs**

to do:

slightly lift eyelids….. roll out of bed…. stare at mirror….. take inventory of parts… two breasts…. three bellies….. eighteen chins… squeeze eyes shut again… SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!… step on scale…. too much.. drink water…. puke up bile and acid… step on scale…. better… check mirror… she’s still looking at me… STOP STOP STOP!! … start IV drip of black coffee and splenda….. wake up.

"Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too."

- Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid (via loyal—tea)

Unrequited Shithole

My heart fucking hurts!!!



“...unrequited love does not die; it's only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before.”
― Elle Newmark, The Book of Unholy Mischief

“His hands are saying that he wants to hold her. His feet are saying that he wants to chase after her... He's probably forgotten that I'm here, beside him”
― Ai Yazawa, 1 (Tenshi Nanka Ja Nai Kanzenban)

“I had to get over [him]. For months now, a stone had been sitting on my heart. I'd shed a lot of tears over [him], lost a lot of sleep, eaten a lot of cake batter. Somehow, I had to move on. [Life] would be hell if I didn't shake loose from the grip he had on my heart. I most definitely didn't want to keep feeling this way, alone in a love affair meant for two. Even if he'd felt like The One. Even if I'd always thought we'd end up together. Even if he still had a choke chain on my heart.”
― Kristan Higgins, All I Ever Wanted


“No." Magnus strode toward him. "I didn't call you because I'm tired of you only wanting me around when you need something. I'm tired of watching you be in love with someone else-someone, incidentally, who will never love you back. Not the way I do.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Glass


“Unrequited love is a ridiculous state, and it makes those in it behave ridiculously.”
― Cassandra Clare


“I want him to see the flowers in my eyes and hear the songs in my hands.”
― Francesca Lia Block, Dangerous Angels: The Weetzie Bat Books


“The knowledge that she would never be loved in return acted upon her ideas as a tide acts upon cliffs.”
― Thornton Wilder, The Bridge of San Luis Rey


“I am convinced those stricken with unrequited love and endure the endless loving and hating of someone has already found their place in Dante's Inferno.”
― Shannon L. Alder

Aunt B needs more coffee so she can get skinny..

Yeah... I'm a terrible person... I need to be thin.. Fucking now!!

Dream Sequence

Here I am, fatter than ever, and I can't seem to go back to my version of normal.

I gave it a shot, I played real-girl.

It was all a sham.
Now, all I want is to go back to MY normal.

I miss Alex, I broke that.
I miss bleeding, too risky, I gave that up.
I miss my bones, I can't break this habit of eating..
I miss my Nicole, poor thing, she just listens and listens
I miss my life.

Not this fake, play-normal, dream-sequence, Stepford life, but MY life.

I
WILL
NOT
EAT!!

Mmmmmm new people, new things, new firsts

So my sisters birthday is coming up tomorrow... And we're on speaking terms again so I have to do something for her..

Oh yeah.. And she introduced me to my new guy friend... (still a bit shy about the bf word).. So I have to get her something amazing. Because... Well... He's kind of great :)
And he's also
... Wait for it...
Single!!

Im not getting my hopes up.. I'm keeping my guard wayyyy up. And I'm doing my fucking research before I get involved but hey, he said he likes crazy lol
... Yeah I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it in that particular sense.


Oh one more thing.. I've been able to more or less compartmentalize my fuckedupness so far into the darkest reaches of my brain that I now feel somewhat back to normal-me... Which is still fucked... Probably more so than self-aware-me... But at least the voices are muffled
Still pretty scarred up... In a bunch of ways... But hey,
Paul likes crazy haha

Well wish me luck :) <3

after the storm

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
...
And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
...
I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.
...
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
...

-Mumford and Sons

Oh mundane existence.
I'm re-reading Wintergirls and Wasted
BRILLIANT!

I'm getting skinny again... kind of...

not nearly enough though

hopefully at this rate, I'll have a heart attack..

"As the smoke clears
I awaken, and untangle you from me
Would it make you, feel better to watch me while I bleed?
All my windows, still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet"

chicken shit

I'm a chicken shit.

that's all there is to it.

I can't go through with it.

I cut and cut and cut but I'm too much of a pussy to actually cut deep enough to end my life.

I sit on my bed and bleed.

My niece walks into my brain and starts giggling and smiling. She's just beaming! She has no idea what her auntie wants to do to herself. She wouldnt even remember me if I was gone. She would hear stories about how much I loved her.

Who am I kidding? She would hear whispers at the very most. People wont talk about me when I'm gone. I will be the poor, misguided angel who lived so long in a dream world that she forgot how to cope with real life. I will be bones.

Finally skin and bones!

And then just bones.
size: ZERO, double bloody ZERO

I'm too fucked in the head to practice the sport that I love with my team.

my team? nahh.. not my team. it never was my team. I was just a small piece of it... barely even that.

I was the flint that wanted to burn. I wanted to catch fire and set the world ablaze

but all I could do was shoot out sparks... and then I was useless.

I can't even get out of my own way long enough to go to school. I want someone to love me but I honestly can't even love myself. I will never let myself be happy.

I used to think the problem was that I wouldn't let people get close to me but now i realize that I was wrong all along. I've let people in. I've let them in long enough to see my ugly. They've seen it.
the scratchy
pointy,
pokey creature
with the itchy wings... and the silky tongue that lives inside me and squirms until I choke it down, throw it up, spit it out, shit it out, and start over again.

I want to cut myself open, pull it out, shake it up and demand answers for all the things it has made me do. slice a zipper right down to my bellybutton and look that little bastard right in droopy, dripping, black eyes.

but alas. I can never cut deep enough. My hand is too soft, my stomach too weak.

but someday.....

Dying young

Ive made the realization that I won't live a long life. The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that my parents would be so incredibly hurt. My nieces would be hurt. Everyone that I love would blame themselves. I don't want that.

I want to kill myself.

It's probably going to happen.

At the airport

Well here I am... On my way back to a school that may or may not allow me to continue classes for this upcoming semester..

How did I get myself into this pickle??

Long story short, I was a pathetic wreck who couldn't get it together enough to go to class. And now? Well, now I'm on suspension unless I can fight fight fight my way out of it. So here's where the rubber meets the road. My poor parents are about to be in a cataclysmic custody battle with my estranged sister.. To adopt my replacements and their second chance at raising successful humans. They can't know the shit I'm going through. I can't let them.

Stay beautiful