catharsis

Yesterday I had a break down.

I'm talking alloutknockdowndragout break down.

I completely understand where I was coming from but still.. I hate being visibly vulnerable. right now everyone is depending on me. They're depending on me to be good, to work 55 hours a week, to take care of things around the house, and then, on top of all of that, they expect me to eat like a "normal" person. no wonder I'm getting huge again. I've got no chance. I was already feeling worthless when my mom asked me the dreaded question... "B, do you know where the cookie dough is?" I wanted so badly to say nope. not a clue. but.... that would be so incredibly far from the horribly ugly truth, I couldn't stand it. "yep. I ate it." I said without flinching. then she started talking about how i eat too much... she's disappointed because I eat too much! I went from eating absolutely nothing to eating too much!! WHAT THE FUCK!!

little does she know..

I can easily remedy that.

so... long story short, I'm doing just that.. I'm fixing the problem.

When I'm trying soo hard to eat like a normal person (for them of course), I get so uncontrollably depressed and grumpy. I always fight with my family. When I'm looking like a holocaust survivor, I'm happy as a clam. Which leads me to the realization, If my family isn't happy with me trying to recover for them and they arent happy with me fasting, then I choose fasting. At least when I fast, I'M happy. that's pretty much all I can do at this point.

I gotta go. the baby's up

stay beautiful!

xoxo
B

Edit: I started acai 14 day cleanse yesterday. I felt like absolute shit... nauseous... headache... but then i started absolutely shitting. SUCCESS!! took it again this morning and I can't wait to see how it works. *kisses*

I'm sorry that I haven't written in a while. My parents have been noticing my habits getting worse lately so i've had to try to eat like a normal person. The unfortunate part of all of this is that I've gained SOOO much. I am so horrifically ashamed of my body now. for a while a was pretty comfortable with it, and now I weigh 10lbs more. Since I've been trying to hide my habits, I've been doing a lot of stress binge eating at night. and then I almost always fall asleep with food in my stomach. I've ballooned to the point of not seeing hip bones at all.

I'm too scared to step on the scale. yesterday I was 127.6 but that was before last night.

I'm
Freaking
out

I'm sure all of you know how it feels to have a mental break down about your weight but I've got to say.. I feel incredibly alone in this. I can't talk to my family about how I feel because I don't think I can take one more comment about my vanity. I can't talk to a therapist because they'll just try to convince me that I'm fine the way I am.
I don't fucking want to be okay with my body the way it is..
I want to be skinny.

I don't know how to eat normally anymore and, to be honest, I really don't think I want to if it means gaining weight.

I want to get a nutritionist who can help me balance out my diet so that I"m not craving stupid shit. I want to have a balanced 500-800 calories per day diet. maybe a nutritionist would be okay with that.... FUCK

I reread through some of my previous posts and I realized that I write like I think. I love it. I feel like I can write anything to you guys and it will be accepted no matter what. I might even be able to get on a scale today, who knows :)

I was feeling pretty good about myself yesterday until night came around. dad and I went cycling for about thirty minutes before church and I worked up a great sweat. later, we went to the tennis courts and got schooled by an eighth grader but at least we were out moving around.

I just talked to my sister about my weight gain and she told me that my mind is playing tricks on me. I would love to believe her, but I honestly never know if she's telling me that just to be nice or if she actually believes it. I always ask myself: if she felt differently would she tell me? HELL NO SHE WOULDN'T

uggh hopefully I can get to the gym after I'm done nannying and maybe I'll take the little one to the park and run around until she gets worn out.

stay beautiful! lovelies

xoxo
B

ps. I actually have two entries that I wrote in a journal when I couldnt get on this site. I'll try to post them a little later on today

love love

and it's too damn hard to fall asleep in this wrecking yard

My mind wont let me fucking sleep. I got a UTI yesterday so I went to an after hours urgent care and got a prescription for some meds that I'm supposed to take with food. needless to say, I have yet to follow the doctor's orders and chase the little buggers with food or milk.

I'm 122.4 today thanks to a binge this morning at about 4:45. it consisted of baked beans, corn on the cob, and special k cereal. I purged when I woke up. today I have yet to eat anything except for those little bastard pills. I've been drinking calorie free slimquick all morning and I did my nails and laundry and taught my niece some sign language. all in all it's been pretty productive.

I don't know if any of you have felt this way but I spent about a half hour reading through some of my favorite blogs and well.. I suck at writing.
seriously.
my posts are a big pile of poop.
I sorely lack the originality to post something of real substance and honestly with my full time nannying I dont even know if I have the time to devote to the struggle to wrack my brain in hopes of some witty comment or musing so that I may appear original.

ughh. I'm new to blogging, clearly.

Thanks to all of you for sticking it out and maybe even sometimes reading these posts

i love you all annnnd if y'all have any tips on running this blog please please please fill me in. I'd love it.

I need help.. help help help. I've been bulimic so much that it hurts.

The only time that I'm happy is when I'm fasting but with my sister's craziness and the drama surrounding my life right now, I havent been able to fast like I should. I suck at restricting because I just throw it up. even if I only eat a half cup of greenbeans (yeah.. I love veggies) I either can't stop eating or I go straight to the wc and drink water til I'm full then throw it all up... wtf?

today I failed and it's not even noon.

breakfast:1 slimquick packet w/bottles water

lunch: 1 romaine salad w/carrots (decent) and raisins (no good)

shit ton of cookie dough and 6 freshly baked cookies.

see if you can spot the mistake

yeah.. I thought you probably could.

I don't know how to get myself back in control of what I'm putting in my body. I hate myself for my newly acquired habits and all I really want is to drink sq and water all day. I would be weightless, I would be perfect, and I would be pure.

I need tips on getting back on track. please?

love love love

B

my life is fucking crazy

i was working full time as a receptionist when my sister got sick. she went to the hospital and I had to miss work... turns out her baby was in danger so they did an emergency c section. my boss told me to call when shit calmed down and they would put me back on the schedule. my sister had a beautiful 3 lb baby girl but her blood pressure was so high, her brain swelled. things calmed down and I called work... no answer.. after countless messages and no response, I gave up. I know. its fucked up. jenn hired me as a nanny full time (50 hrs per week) its been almost a month and the baby has gained weight but yesterday my sister had a crippling headache that made her nauseous and pukey. she saw a neurologist and they think she may have a blood clot in her brain!! Wtf!

oh yeah and I passed the fuck out which frightened me into eating a little more than I should

needless to say, I've gained 2 or 3 lbs


on a brighter note, I went on a date last night :) it was a good one too. I got chills when his fingers danced across my body and yes ladies, when we kissed, I got butterflies. seriously, just so you know a bit about me, that RARELY happens anymore. I can't stand the waiting for him to call or text. it's driving me bonkers!!

I might update y'all again later

Xoxo
B

back on the horse

alright.. last week I was doing pretty well until I started passing out.... I passed out in the middle of a high school graduation and had to explain that to everyone... let me tell you... awkwardddd

ANYways. over the weekend I was eating a lot.. like a lot a lot and not purging it all up so long story short I"m back on the horse again. I don't even feel like I deserve to be in this community anymore but I know that everyone has these shitty times in their lives...

I love you all!!

stay gorgeous!!!

hair skin and nails.. oh my!

So.. I should hve seen it coming. I knew the day would come when I would look down in the shower drain and see more hair in the drain than on my head... I'm not skinny enough to be losing hair. Why and how can this be happening to me right now? my nails are cracked and splitting, my skin is that of a teenage boy, and my hair....

my long, beautiful, chestnut hair....... it's coming out left and right. My gums are receding and are always sore.

why do i still feel the need to cling to ana after all of this? I weigh 118. that's fucking ridiculous to weigh 118 and to be losing hair and shit. I'm freaking the fuck out!!!! aaaghhh what the hell can i do now? will my hair come back if i turn from ana? if I forsake my only friend will my teeth be spared?

the better question is can i? do i have the strength to let vile nourishment sit in my protruding stomach, all the while knowing that I will gain weigh faster than I can even blink due to the bullshit I've dragged these poor bones of mine through.

I don't even know if this post makes sense anymore. I hope it does because I'm seriously about to explode.

stay beautiful

xoxo

B

119

Posters

This is my favorite part of the song, Posters, by Jack Johnson. yes, I know it's pretty much the entire song but that's because it's a fucking incredible song.. DUH!


Looking at herself but wishing she was someone else
Because the body of the doll it don't look like hers at all

So she straps it on, she sucks it in, she throws it up, and gives a grin
Laughing at herself because she knows she ain't that at all

All caught up in the trends
Well the truth began to bend
And the next thing you know man
There just ain't no truth left at all

Cause when the pretty girl walks
She walks so proud
And when the pretty girl laughs
Oh man, she laughs so loud

And if it ain't this then its that
As a matter of fact
She hasn't had a day to relax
Since she has lost her ability to think clearly

Well I'm an energetic hypothetic version of another person
Check out my outsides there ain't nothing in here

Well I'm a superficial, systematic, music television addict
Check out my outsides there ain't nothing in

Here comes another one, just like the other one
Looking at himself but wishing he was someone else
Because the posters on the wall they don't look like a him
And so he ties it up he tucks it in, he pulls it back and gives a grin
Laughing at himself because he knows he ain't loved at all
He knows he ain't loved at all

Why the fuck can 't I let myself be happy for once? I was comfortable with my weightloss yesterday (last night I weighed in at 118.6) so what do I do? FUCKING SABOTAGE MYSELF!!!!! I ate a huge ass bowl of special k and didnt even purge it up! fuck fuck fuck fuck my life!!! ugghhh Idk what to even do now. I want to start a fast but I fear there will be some eyebrows raised in the house. i dont know how to make this better!

alright.. now that the time for me to be a whiney little bitch is over, I'm ready to do what I have to do. I have 4 days until brandon comes home which means 4 days of fasting!! liquids only! and preferably liquids w/o calories. the plan for today is coffee and slimquick packets. oh my my my i just remembered!! it's gold card time at GNC :) I can get my diet supplements finally! yay :) slimquick here i come!!

oh yeah and this morning I'm a fat 121 again.. fuck my life. no more food for brittany

xoxo
-B

alright. I have been pretty purgey today which I don't feel to terrible about because my weight is still dropping but I do hate that my entire face is just one huge breakout. I need to wuit the purging. I told brandon that i've got some pretty serious eds and either he didnt fully get what i was saying or he is super super cool about it. hopefully he's super cool about it because i definitely don't need another man trying to tell me what to do. I weighed in at 121.2 this morning but I've been blacking out a lot so i need to eat a little. the unfortunate thing is that I can't ever just eat a little. it's all or nothing with me.

i'm wicked happy about the 121.2!!!

I ate some veggie burgers with ketchup, some marshmallows, and a few pieces of bread then purges them up but i wasn't positive that I got all of the bread and burger up so I took 3 laxies. I truly hope I don't get a huge huge huge belly bulge from it but I'm not too concerned.

yesterday I did 45 minutes of kickboxing class, an hour of super intense hip hop and about fifteen minutes of step. idk how much i burned but i bet it was a lot. today I'm meeting kelly for kickboxing a little later which will be refreshing. I love her (:

my immediate goal is to fast for the rest of the day. let's see how that works

I know I can stay strong!!

alright so I feel good and horrible at the same time. I feel that all of you should know, I'm just getting out of a very unhealthy relationship that I've been trying to break free of since january... I know... it was really really hard. He keeps texting me and telling me that he misses me and he wants things to be different and all of the typical bs that he says to get me in bed. The good news is... wait for it... I"M OVER HIM!!!! :) I've moved on to an incredibly sweet guy that has been my best friend since middle school. he's perfect for me. so.. why do I feel like I still kind of miss Mr. asshole ex? my life is full of contradictions.

On a different not, I ate and purged last night but luckily I feel like I got the majority of it all up and out of my system. to prove it, I weighed in this morning... wait for it... 123.8!!! YESSS I'm getting there again! :) I'll probably post again a little later today

xoxo
-B